I would love to be able to sit here and tell you I'd reviewed
Streets of Blood and had been completely blown away- that I had just watched
Val Kilmer cement the comeback he playfully hinted at with
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and
50 Cent notch up his breakout performance that would surely see him fully accepted as an actor in his own right. Sadly though someone has kidnapped my postman. Seriously, I know there is talk of a strike once again over pay (try working in retail you Postman Pat fucks!) but I havent had so much as a Reader's Digest Winners Acknowledgement for two weeks. Having expected a raft of review discs in the same period, I'm more than a touch miffed at the conspicuous lack of even the lightest thud on the mat of
Obsessed Towers in the morning. So, instead I'm stuck with just advertising the releases Ive missed out on (I refuse to stream things generally), and watching some of the millions of DVDs I've bought over the past six months. Yesterday, as a link to the
Val Kilmer led
Streets of Blood, I watched
Top Secret! (a lesser known output of the
Zuckers). Needless to say, it's incomparibly shite, devoid of any of the charm of the Zuckers' earlier works-
Airplane!,Police Squad or the
Naked Gun series- and the only joy in it is watching
Omar Sharif's astounded face every time he's on screen.
As another link to this week's DVD release of
Streets of Blood (which I will endeavour to review in this space the minute I get it), I'm returning to my old favourite listing format, and suggesting the
Top Ten Rapper to Actor Transitions. You have to think
50 Cent would fair better as an actor if he dropped the ludicrous name and stuck with plain old
Curtis Jackson. If it works for
Dwayne Johnson... 10.
Ludacris Real Name:
Chris Bridges Superfly:
Crash, 2 Fast 2 Furious. Cant Touch This:
Fred Claus 9.
LL Cool J Real Name:
James Todd Smith Superfly:
Any Given Sunday, Toys, Deep Blue Sea Cant Touch This:
Halloween H2O 8.
Eminem Real Name:
Marshall Mathers Superfly:
8 Mile Cant Touch This:
8 Mile 7.
50 Cent Real Name:
Curtis Jackson Superfly:
Home of the Brave, Streets of Blood, Righteous Kill Cant Touch This:
Get Rich or Die Tryin' 6.
Ice T Real Name:
Tracy Marrow Superfly:
New Jack City, Leprechaun In The Hood Cant Touch This:
Tank Girl 5.
Ice Cube Real Name:
O'Shea Jackson Superfly:
Friday, Boyz n the Hood, Torque. Cant Touch This:
Are We Done Yet? 4.
Common Real Name:
Lonnie Rashid Lynn Superfly:
American Gangster, Wanted, Smokin' Aces Cant Touch This:
Terminator Salvation 3.
Mos Def Real Name:
Dante Terrell Smith Superfly:
The Woodsman, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Be Kind Rewind Cant Touch This:
Michael Jackson's Ghosts 2.
Marky Mark Real Name:
Mark Wahlberg Superfly:
The Departed, Boogie Nights, The Perfect Storm Cant Touch This:
Max Payne 1.
The Fresh Prince Real Name:
Will Smith Superfly:
The Pursuit of Happyness, Ali, Six Degrees of Separation Cant Touch This:
Wild Wild West Come back when I've seen
Streets of Blood. You might just be surprised. Oh, and let me know if Ive missed any rapper/actors...
STREETS OF BLOOD IS AVAILABLE NOW ON DVD AND BLURAY