STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI on DVD

I realise it's a little late to review the few weeks old Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li DVD transfer and there won't be a great deal of interest in this film anymore (if there was any in the first place), but so compelled was I by the utter ineptitude of this project that I feel I must post this belated response. I cant say I was exactly shocked- when the project was announced I scoffed along with everyone else, and I never intended to see it at the cinema- I have fair better things to spend my money on (invasive surgery comes considerably higher on the list), and I fully expected it to follow the trend of recent computer game adaptations and suck terribly. But as with Dragonball Z, there is something so unforgivably bad about The Legend of Chun Li, that I cannot hold my tongue. Even the temporary closure of our beloved Obsessed Towers cannot shackle me when I feel the need to share these musings of mine. Appalling unintentionally hilarious Jackie Chan-style fight scenes, non-Chinese Chun Lis and blonde Irish M.Bisons? Must be the new Street Fighter adap. Good work there with keeping it traditional. And where on Earth are Ken, Ryu, Guile, Dhalsim, E. Honda, Zangief and Blanka? True the 1994 Van Damme/Minogue debacle didn't exactly do justice to the favourite character of the franchise (mine at least), but forcing an emotional heart- in the shape of Chun Li, and a heroic heart in the form of Chris Klein's Charlie Nash (with a little bit of romance with Moon Bloodgood's Maya Sunee thrown in for no real reason I can determine) is a judgement error among many judgement errors. Everyone knows Ken and Ryu are the heroes! The tone of the film is totally scatter-brain, segwaying from origin story, to cop-romance to fists-up punch-fest (with an unnecessary club-based lesbian tease and subsequent bathroom brawl) all in one scene, and is as ludicrous as a bag of hamsters. And not in a fun way either. In fact, the film seems to revel in the fact that it is no fun at all. There is none of the secretly enjoyable campness of the 1994 adaptation, and even the fight scenes are so preposterously choreographed that there is little fun in them. Tutting and rolling of the eyes though, there are plenty. Aside from the plot problems and some very questionable attempts to copy Kill Bill- the training scenes between Chun Li and Gen are surely a good case for copyright infringement against Tarantino- the film is let down badly by some incredibly bad acting performances. As Chun Li, Smallville'sKristin Kreuk acts like shes been told its her responsibility to carry the world's woes on her shoulders- she pauses from beating baddies up (and comically reacting to punches like someone's farted) only to bemoan the amorality of her city or give some weeping peasant a bundle of cash, all Robin Hood-like. Tosh. And Neal McDonough's blonde Irish Bison- the worst case of wandering accent syndrome committed to screen this year- is even worse tosh. I loved him in Band of Brothers and Desperate Housewives, and there is little doubt that the man is a talented actor on the strength of those performances alone- but his conscience-free Bison is not enough and even languishes poorly in the shadow cast by the late great Raul Julia. The rest of the cast arent any better either. I don't know what it is about Michael Clarke Duncan, but I cant get past his rubbery facial expressions no matter what the role. Even despite his excellence in The Green Mile, my enduring memory of his performance is of overdramatic gurning, and a perpetually wet face that always puts me in mind of a dog's nose. Since that brief flirtation with success, Clarke Duncan hasn't exactly shone in the rest of his roles- most of them, including this one as the boxing behemoth Balrog seemingly defined by his hulking physique- and it seems a shame. He is no better as Balrog- admittedly a limited role in terms of range or emotional requirement- than he was as The King Pin in Daredevil or as Manute in Sin City: both roles you would expect someone of his apparent ability and appropriate presence to walk through, but both of which sucked royally. He lumbers through these roles, looking way too happy not to be stretched, and to cash in on his enormous biceps, and offers far more as a voiceover artist than as an on-screen presence. Chris Klein, with squinty eyes, perpetually cocked head and faux-gritty whispery voice is not an endurable experience either- he should his class in American Pie by conspiring to almost fuck-up an easier-than-kindergarten role with his wooden idea of "acting". He is some way short of the acceptable image of put-upon cop that he wants us to accept, and the idea that a slightly coquettish half-smile will be enough to demand forgiveness is as sickening as his oh-so-punchable face. And I wont even mention The Black Eyed Peas' Taboo as Vega. Christ! Bandmate WillIAm at least attempted to make a fair go of his role as Spectre in Wolverine... But worst of all the problems is the mock sincerity of the film and its cheap heroine- Chun Li. What's with the heart-bleeding voice-over? I found it hilarious- an obvious attempt to make the Street Fighter legend more accessible for The OC-loving generation which succeeded only in mixing The Wonder Years' style sentiment with Dog The Bounty Hunter's endearing street philosophy. And the street crimes that entice Chun Li into a life of crime-fighting are so laughably uncalled for- a little old man gets brutally beaten up for having the audacity to be on the same screen as some appallingly portrayed local hoodlums (obviously the casting dollars couldn't stretch to even half-human extras). The enduring feeling I get from the film is not of the fist-thumping adrenaliney goodness that I wanted- rather the sickly attempt at an origin story for Chun Li is all too twee and just plain rubbish. Neither myself, or any other fan of the game franchise wants Capcom with a heart- I wanna see Vega and Blanka knock seven shades of shit out of each other in a Game of Death style fighter flick. And I want Ken and Ryu to win in the end. It's on DVD now, but I daresay you'll get a lot more enjoyment out of going out into the street and headbutting housebricks.