WARNING: The following post contains angry, politically incorrect, and often drunk celebritiesand A LOT of swearing!
When we last left our babbling fame endowed cousins, the world of the modern rant was our focus. But blowing ones top is not a new thing, foul-mouthed tirades have long been the anecdotes of legend. It is a rare occasion when we actually get to witness a genuine legend lose it on set. So sit back and allow me to take you on a journey through the records of iconic names giving hell to those around them.
Casey Kasem vs His ProducersThe Set-Up:
Casey "rooby-roo" Kasem has to segway from an up beat song into the story of a dead dog. Simple enough right? Well not for Kasem, and he soon unleashes his thoughts on all involved. Transcript:
(thanks to freakipedia.net) "See, when you come out of those up-tempo goddamn numbers, man, it's impossible to make those transitions, and then you gotta go into somebody dying. You know, they do this to me all the time. I don't know what the hell they do it for, but God damn it if we can't come out of a slow record. I don't understand it. Is Don on the phone? Okay. I want a goddamn concerted effort to come out of a record that isn't a fucking up-tempo record every time I do a goddamn death dedication! Now make itand I also wanna know what happened to the pictures I was supposed to see this week! This is the godlast goddamn time. I want somebody to use his fucking brain to not come out of a goddamn record that isthat's up-tempo and I gotta talk about a fucking dog dying!"
Orson Welles vs Advert ProducerThe Set-Up:
Near the end of his life, Welles kind of lost the plot. Stints on Magnum P.I, voicing "Unicorn" in Transformers: The Movie, and this ever famous frozen peas advert are an embarrassing end to such a tremendous legacy. But that said, what a truly hilarious rant it is. It's nice to see that no matter what turn his career took, Welles had a true talent in mugging people off. Transcript:
(thanks to cookdanbomdd.com) ORSON WELLES : "We know a remote farm in Lincolnshire where Mrs. Buckley lives. Every July, peas grow there." Do you really mean that?COMMERCIAL PRODUCER: Uh, yeah.WELLES: Don't you think you really want to say "July" over the pictures of snow? Isn't that the fun of it?PRODUCER: Try "in July."WELLES: I don't understand you.PRODUCER: And can you emphasize a bit the "in"--in July?WELLES: Why? That doesn't make any sense. Sorry. There's no known way of saying an English sentence in which you begin a sentence with "in" and emphasize it. Get me a jury and show me how you can say "in July" and I'll go down on you. That's just idiotic, if you'll forgive me for saying so. It's just stupid. "In July"! Impossible. Meaningless.WELLES : "We know a certain fjord in Norway near where the cod gather in great shoals. There, Yonster, Stenglin ..." Shit.PRODUCER: A fraction more on that shoals thing, 'cause you rolled it around very nicely.WELLES: Yeah, roll it around. And I have no more time. You don't know what I'm up against. This is a very wearying one; it's unpleasant to read. Unrewarding. "Because Finders freeze the cod at sea and then add a crumb-crisp co-- crumb-crisp coating." Ah. That's tough. "Crumb-crisp coating"-- No. You need to break it up. It's not written conversationally.PRODUCER: Take "crumb" out.WELLES: What?PRODUCER: Take "crumb" out.WELLES: Take "crumb" out. Good ...WELLES: Here, under protest, is "beef burgers." "We know a little place in the American Far West where Charlie Briggs chops up the finest prairie-fed beef and tastes ..." This is a lot of shit, you know that? You want one more? More beef?PRODUCER: You missed the first "beef," actually.WELLES: What do you mean, missed it?PRODUCER: You were emphasizing "prairie-fed."WELLES: But you can't emphasize "beef." That's like you wanting me to emphasize "in" before "July." Come on, fellas, you're losing your heads. I wouldn't direct any living actor like this in Shakespeare, the way you do this. It's impossible.PRODUCER: Orson, you did six of these last year, and they were far and away the best, and I know the reason.WELLES: The right reading for this is the one I'm giving it. I've spent twenty times longer reading for you people than for any other commercial I've ever made. You are such pests. What is it you want? In the depths of your ignorance, what is it you want?PRODUCER: That was absolutely fine. It really was.WELLES: You know, you're, you-- No amount of money is worth this.
Elton John vs LifeThe Set-Up:
Sir Elton has never really needed an excuse to rant. The man just does it as a part of everyday life. Heaven forbid that Elton doesn't get what HE wants! Beware, anyone who crosses the gap-toothed dragon with a bowl cut! Feast your eyes and ears upon a glorious collection of Elton doing what he does best...throwing a strop. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LX0v_bcOHH4
David Hasselhoff vs AlcoholismThe Set-Up:
After a long standing battle with the bottle, Mitch from Baywatch falls off the wagon and loses it big time in a Vegas hotel room. With his daughter to antagonize him, and a video to capture the whole event, 'The Hoff' only has a delicious cheeseburger to drown his sorrows. Technically a drunken ramble instead of a rant. But Dave still spends a good few seconds slagging off his kid to her face...father of the year. Transcript:Taylor Ann: So Dad, are you gonna do your show tomorrow?Hoff: mmmmm.T: You promise me?H: Hm Hm.T: You gonna get alcohol?H: Huh?T: Dont get alcohol.H: Muh?T: Dont get alcohol. Cant you see what its doing to you? Youre on the floor.H: muouss.T: What?H: This is a mess. (He mauls a burger)T: So Dad, you need to promise me youre not going to get alcohol tonight, ok?H: What?T: Youre gonna promise me youre not gonna get alcohol tonight. Ok?H: Uh huh.T: Cos if you get alcohol tonight, you are fired from your show tomorrow. And doctors coming over here in the morning to check your alcohol level. And if theres any alcohol in your system, youre going to be fired from the show. Tomorrow, you hear me? No alcoholH: Who cheruhhh.T: Huh?H: Who said?T: Dan. I just talked to her, and she talked to the manager of the show and they said that tomorrow, if, when the doctors coming over and if there is any alcohol in your blood, then youre fired from the show. Thank God they are not coming tonight, cos youd be fired from the show. The doctors coming early in the morning, and if youve any alcohol in your system, youre fired from the show. Ok?H: Ok. (sighs) Jesus Christ. (snorts)T: So you promise right now Dad.H: Tell you what?T: Tell me that you promise youre not going to get alcohol, and youre going to stop drinking. Tell me right now.H: herfepar.T: Tell me right not right youre gonna stop drinking.H: Ill be fine.T: Tell me youre gonna stop drinking. Tell me right now, or Im not gonna talk to you ever again. And I will totally disown you because its not fair to your family, what youre doing. Tell me right now. Tell me. Youre not gonna stop are you? H: Ill be fine.T: Tell me youre gonna stop.H: Ill (dribbles) be fine.T: Tell me youre gonna stop. Tell me YOURE GOING TO STOP!H: Im going to stop.T: Promise?H: No. T: Yes?H: Uh huh.T: Good. Thats what I like to hear.(Cuts)T: Why do you like doing this to yourself? Huh?H: Cos Im lonely.(talking over each other)H: Im lonely, and (inaudible)T: No youre not. You have me. You have Hayley.H: Oh shut...fuck you...(mumbles) life.T: What?H: I dont have you in my life.T: Yes you do.H: Erm, bullshit!T: What do you mean? What do you expect me to do? Come up here on the days I have school? You chose to come out here, I didnt choose to come out here. I come up here when I can, every weekend I dont have S.A.T I come up here. Theres nothing I can do. I change my schedule around because of you. Dont tell me that I dont give a shit. Being an asshole right now. And do you know why?H: nnnnmm.T: Because you drank! And tomorrow morning, you are going to regret everything you ever told me.H: I dont have you. I dont have you.T: What do you mean, dont have me?H: I dont have you.T: Of course you have me.H: No I dont.T: What do you mean? You live in Las Vegas. Do you expect me to be up here every day? You throw your life away by drinking. I dont know why you are. Stupid. Do you like people taking care of you? Cos youre sat on the floor eating a Wendys. You should be running around...H: I dont have you! I dont have Taylor. I dont have Hayley.(Hoff proceeds to drink, burp and chew loudly)
Elvis Presley vs SanityThe Set-Up:
From one burger and drink fueled episode to another. In 1974, Elvis was well on his way out of the real world. Hopped up on all sorts of substances and obsessed with conspiracies galore, 'The King' snapped on stage during a Vegas performance. The result is, awkward. Transcript:
(unavailable at this time) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0R-4F0mzmU
Tom Cruise vs The CouchThe Set-Up:
I'm a big Tom Cruise fan, i really am. So when Tom went on NBC to talk to Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt Lauer about War of the Worlds, i can't help but love the interaction. Mental illness crops up, and 6 minutes later we are just that bit more confused. Transcript:
(thanks to youcantmakeitup.blogspot) CRUISE: ...ever. Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry. And when i started studying the history of psychiatry, I understood more and more why I didn't believe in psychology.And as far as the Brooke Shields thing is, look. You gotta understand, I really care about Brooke Shields. I-- I think here's a-- a-- a wonderful and talented woman. And-- I wanna see her do well. And I know that-- psychiatry is-- is a pseudo science.MATT LAUER: But-- but Tom, if she said that this particular thing helped her feel better, whether it was the antidepressant or going to a counselor or psychiatrist, isn't that enough?TOM CRUISE: Matt, you have to understand this. Here we are today where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric shocking people, okay, against their will, of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs. Do you know what Aderol is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that?MATT LAUER: The difference is-- (OVERTALK)TOM CRUISE: No, no, Matt.MATT LAUER: This wasn't against her will, though.TOM CRUISE: Matt-- Matt, Matt, Matt--MATT LAUER: But this wasn't against her will.TOM CRUISE: Matt, I'm-- Matt, I'm asking you a question.MATT LAUER: I understand there's abuse of all of these things.TOM CRUISE: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.MATT LAUER: Aren't there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?TOM CRUISE: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance. (OVERTALK)MATT LAUER: So, postpartum depression to you is--TOM CRUISE: Matt--MATT LAUER: --kind of a--TOM CRUISE: --don't--MATT LAUER: --little psychological gook--TOM CRUISE: That--MATT LAUER: --googley-gook?TOM CRUISE: --no. No. I did not say that.MATT LAUER: I'm just asking what you-- what would you call it?TOM CRUISE: No. No. Abs-- Matt, that is-- the-- post-- now-- now, you're talking about two different things.MATT LAUER: But that's what she went on the--TOM CRUISE: No.MATT LAUER: --antidepressant for.TOM CRUISE: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways of vitamins and through exercise and various things. I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what-- what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, anti-psychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world.The thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She-- she doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.MATT LAUER: But a little bit what you're saying Tom is, you say you want people to do well. But you want them do to well by taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for them.TOM CRUISE: No, no, I'm not.MATT LAUER: Well, if antidepressants work for Brooke Shields, why isn't that okay?TOM CRUISE: I-- I disagree with it. And I think that there's a higher and better quality of life. And I think that promoting for me personally, see, you're saying what, I can't discuss what I wanna discuss?MATT LAUER: No. You absolutely can.TOM CRUISE: I know. But-- but Matt, you're going in and saying that-- that I can't discuss this.MATT LAUER: I'm only asking, isn't there a possibility that-- do-- do you examine the possibility that these things do work for some people? That yes, there are abuses. And yes, maybe they've gone too far in certain areas. Maybe there are too many kids on Ritalin. Maybe electric shock--TOM CRUISE: Too many kids on Ritalin? Matt.MATT LAUER: I'm just saying. But-- but aren't there--TOM CRUISE: Matt.MATT LAUER: --examples where it works?TOM CRUISE: Matt. Matt, Matt, you don't even-- you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay? That's what I've done. Then you go and you say where's-- where's the medical test? Where's the blood test that says how much Ritalin you're supposed to get?MATT LAUER: You're-- you're-- it's very impressive to listen to you. Because clearly, you've done the homework. And-- and you know the subject.TOM CRUISE: And you should.MATT LAUER: And-- and--TOM CRUISE: And you should do that also.MATT LAUER: And--TOM CRUISE: Because just knowing people who are on Ritalin isn't enough. You should be a little bit more responsible in knowing really--MATT LAUER: I'm not prescribing Ritalin, Tom. And I'm not asking--TOM CRUISE: Well--MATT LAUER: --anyone else to do it. I'm simply saying-- (OVERTALK)TOM CRUISE: Well, you are. You're saying--MATT LAUER: I know some people who seem to have been helped by it.TOM CRUISE: I-- but you're saying-- but you-- like-- this is a very important issue.MATT LAUER: I couldn't agree more.TOM CRUISE: It's very-- and you know what? You're here on the Today Show.MATT LAUER: Right.TOM CRUISE: And to talk about it in a way of saying, "Well, isn't it okay," and being reasonable about it when you don't know and I do, I think that you should be a little bit more responsible in knowing what it is.MATT LAUER: But--TOM CRUISE: Because you-- you communicate to people.MATT LAUER: But you're now telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experiences.TOM CRUISE: What do you mean by that?MATT LAUER: You're telling me what's worked for people I know or hasn't worked for people I know. I'm telling you i've lived with these people and they're better.TOM CRUISE: So, you're-- you're advocating it.MATT LAUER: I am not. I'm telling you in their case--(LAUGHTER) (OVERTALK)MATT LAUER: In their individual case, it worked. I am not gonna go out and say--TOM CRUISE: Matt--MATT LAUER: --"Get your kids on Ritalin. It's the cure-all--TOM CRUISE: Matt, Matt.MATT LAUER: --and the end-all."TOM CRUISE: Matt, but here's the point. What is the ideal scene for life. Okay. Ideal scene is someone not having to take anti-psychotic drugs.MATT LAUER: I would agree.TOM CRUISE: Okay. So, now you look at-- and you go okay. A-- a departure from that ideal scene is someone taking drugs, okay. And then you go, okay. What is the theory and the science behind that, that justifies that?MATT LAUER: Let me take this more general, 'cause I think you and I can go around in circles on this for awhile. And i respect your opinion ...Do you want more people to understand Scientology? Is that-- would that be a goal of yours?TOM CRUISE: You know what? I-- absolutely. Of course, you know. And people--MATT LAUER: How do you go about that?TOM CRUISE: You just communicate about it. And the important thing is, like you and I talk about it, whether it's -- okay, if I wanna know something, I go and find out. Because I don't talk about things that I don't understand. I'll say, you know what? I'm not so sure about that. I'll go find more information about it so I can-- I can come to an opinion based on-- on the information that I have.MATT LAUER: You -- you're so passionate about it. And I'm--TOM CRUISE: I'm passionate about learning. I'm passionate about life, Matt.
Lily Tomlin vs David O'RussellThe Set-Up:
So, when we last left the set of I Heart Huckabees, a very sheepish Tomlin was getting a verbal roasting by her director. But don't feel too bad for the starlet, as now its her turn. Transcript:Lily Tomlin: Leave me the fuck alone. Do you know what the fuck is going on? Period. Fuck you! Ive had it up to here. (blows nose) Whos reacting to what for Gods sakes? Fuck you mother fucker. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Get the fucking thing together, fuck you. Oh yeah, bullshit. Thats why we spent five or six hours doing something else? NO! God damn it! You fucked it up, God damn you! Now get straight out and help. If you cant help them. Help me! Thats right, fuck you too! I will break the fucking set apart. I dont give a fuck. Oh shut up. You shut the fuck up too.Dustin Hoffman: Shoot the fucking thing right now.Tomlin: Oh yeah. Youll get your shoot. I will be angry if she is angry. Thatll be good.Hoffman: Just shoot it. Shoot it. Come on.Tomlin: I dont care.Hoffman: I know you dont. So shoot the fucking. Turn the thing on. Just turn it on.Tomlin: Who knows. Who knows what up. I dont have a fucking idea. We are pla...to me there are eight different things going on here. I dont know whats going on frankly. We are encouraged to do one thing and then, I I I I dont have the slightest idea. So you are the one whos steering the ship as they say. Id like to. But you told me to depend on you. (gets flustered) who can depend on anything? I dont know what to do and what not to do. No, I, oh please. I have no idea. I have no idea what level to play this at, or what not to play it at. And weve shot all day.Hoffman: You see we shot the whole thing David. And we were doing it in a certain tone and we felt good at it, and you said take it down half. (mumbles)Tomlin: We shot all day. Real broad. Real ...(sound cuts out)
Some Other Legends Going Bolo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfDHIqmUUMs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIUzLpO1kxI http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boeX9KtSvUA