These Film Villains SUCK!

It seems quite harsh to lump all the villains from Spider-Man 3 all together but seriously none of them work as they should do on the silver screen.

*Phone rings*

Hello Dial-A-!*$% Jules speaking...ow...ok no need to yell! Listen, listen, if Sam Raimi, the director of the film you are passionately defending, expressly said Spider-Man 3 was "Awful" and that he didn't believe in ANY of the characters, then I think I'm ok passing a bit of hot piss it's way.

*To Camera*

See this is the problem, despite being savaged by the critics and most of the public, you get a few people that really love this film, and you know what? Like what you like my friends. Tell you what I'll show you how I usually deal with people who get aggy about it all.

*Puts phone down trousers*

Yeah. We might be a while. Let's move on.

What makes this film so impressive in how it screws up movie villains is that it manages to uniquely botch each one. On paper a film staring The Sandman, Venom and Green Goblin Coke Zero edition should have been amazing. Each possesses different skills and each could exploit different weaknesses in Spider-Man, but in delivery? well they didn't make much spider-sense.

For example, The Sandman looked amazing, and the CGI work, while a little cartoony was really impactful, plus there was an outstanding arc of Flint Marko actually being the man who killed Uncle Ben. This surely, SURELY has to be the driving point of the entire film right? It's the entire catalyst for the super hero, and now he has a chance to confront the killer. So what do they do with The Sandman?

Relegate him to the C-TIER villain behind daddy issues and Victor Von Ooze's semen. Oh cheers mate, and that actually brilliantly cheesy forgiveness scene? Completely upstaged by Harry's death.

And speaking of Harry, what. the. hell. was his story all about. He's an enemy, then he takes a bump that makes him look like a comedy pachinko machine, then he eats a really good pie and forgets everything, then he tastes some of Mary Jane's pie and remembers he's angsty again, and then his discount Alfred tells him he has a plot device letter that turns him good again...my god man. pick a bloody lane!

You could have lifted Green Goblin Light from this film and nobody would have cared, and we wouldn't have laughed at all the terrible and contrived writing which took over his scenes like, like....well like a symbiote. Which of course leads me to talk about Venom.

Ok so starting off Topher Grace, I love you man and your work as a pipe cleaner in bell bottoms on The 70's Show will always be respected but, how do I put this nicely, I don't want to see your goddamn face every ten seconds just so you can command a greater pay-cheque at the end of things.

Eddie Brock is an absolute worm, and to be honest I loved how smarmy he was, but his right place at the right time, gotta kill Spider-Man because it's coming to the third act was just so, so, so cheesy. And for a supposed super villain with incredible powers he was defeated pretty bloody easily. In fact this villains status is demoted heavily because not a few scenes before we witnesses precisely how the symbiote could be defeated with sound.

A lot of films operate on the principle of a villain being defeated in a last ditch effort or some sort of final revelation. Here though we'd seen it's weaknesses so as an audience we're shrugging in disbelief that it's taking Peter so long to just DO THE SAME THING.

Spider-Man 3 is a bizarrely enjoyable film, and I laughed a whole lot throughout. True it was at things I wasn't meant to be laughing at, but I laughed all the same. What wasn't funny though were the villains, because, quite frankly, they all sucked.