TV has more to teach us than the Worlds finest scholars, so for this reason (and the fact that I didnt have time to write a proper feature this week) here are a few things I learned from watching TV this week:
Adam Lambert could walk out on the American Idol stage, write Fuck Palestine on the floor in his own faeces and then walk off again and Paula Abdul and Kara DioGuardi would still have a veritable squirt-off over how great his performance was.It may be a long lesson to have learned but that doesnt make it any less true. This season of
American Idol is rapidly becoming a one horse race as the fourth Jonas Brother Adam Lambert continues to Bogart the lions share of the judges praise. Even old toilet brush hair himself Simon Cowell has given this guy a standing ovation (although 2 weeks ago that would have actually meant a lot more had he not been on his feet for practically every
Britains Got Talent auditonee thus far.) While Lambert may have the judges firmly behind him, and if Abdul got her way: bent over in front of him, he most definitely isnt my cup of tea. With my initial pick Danny Gokey still going strong but seemingly stuck in a sea of mediocre performances, Id far rather see duelling piano player Matt Giraud take victory, although that seems unlikely at this stage. The one good thing about the shows recent overruns is that the judges were cut down on how often they could comment last week, meaning we had to endure less of Paulas cliché-like riddles as feedback (they were back with a vegenance this week however). The woman has become a complete waste of space on that panel and is actually starting to make Dannii Minogue look insightful. And while were on Idol has anyone else noticed that Alison looks remarkably familiar?
Lady Gaga is Michael Jackson. Now stay with me on this one; same childlike voice, same bizarre fashion taste, same overblown sense of self-importance, same lack of self-awareness and of course same extremely uncomfortable interview style
Watching Jonathan Ross interviewing Lady Gaga last Friday was excruciatingly uncomfortable, which of course is what I was expecting and ultimately why I didnt turn off after Hugh Jackman. I was fully prepared for her to be weird, but even I wasnt ready for the teacup, the single-fingered wave, her deer-in-the-headlights look and her complete oblivion to Wossys questions and jokes. In fact, Ross probably would have got more out of Michael Jackson, or at least more blood out of a stone.
Miles may actually have a part to play after all. One of my favourite characters on
Lost, the acerbic Miles finally got his own episode this week and it seems like he may be important to the big picture. After most of his freighter buddies faded away or became after thoughts (or in the case of Naomi and Charlotte died) I thought that Miles who has fast become one of the shows best characters, may not be long for this world. Thankfully I was wrong. Making Dharmas Dr. Chang Miles Dad was a nice, if not too surprising twist and will hopefully have a major impact on the shows narrative. Even if it doesnt, the twist will be worth it for the awesome look Miles gave his Dad when he said he liked country music. Another brilliant light-hearted moment this week was Hurleys screenplay for
The Empire Strikes Back which featured the immortal line as Miles read the script Chewbacca: Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Who says
Lost isnt funny? Those people who abandoned the show, must be kicking themselves now and trying desperately to catch up, because since they announced the shows impending climax there seems to be renewed focus and a greater sense of purpose and importance within each episode, and its rapidly become the best show of its nature on TV. Take note
24.
Larry starting up a pasta empire would be an awesome arc for Curb season 7. Sadly this is Giovanni Rana, creator of the pasta brand of the same name, not a slightly overweight Larry David filming the new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, but the pasta king does bare more than a passing resemblance to everyones favourite grumpy Jew dont you think? Speaking of adverts; its good to see
Prison Break's General Krantz preparing for life after the show, which will of course be ending soon. He is currently appearing in the new Cisco advert (thats the communications giant not the late 90s R n B guy - although that would be pretty fucking brilliant if it was the latter.) And speaking of
Prison Break
A mid season break hasnt improved the quality of Prison Break at all. The fourth and final season of the once great
Prison Break returned to our screens this week with more of a premature ejaculation than an all night tantric sex session. Michael and the boys carried on where they left off on their return: lost in a maze of dumb exposition and even dumber plot devices. The end cannot come soon enough for
Prison Break before its high points of seasons past are completely erased by the unadulterated dogshit that has been season 4. The one highlight of the show continues to be William Fichtners Mahone, who is head and shoulders above the rest of the cast in terms of performance, his teaming with T-Bag and Self was just about the only watchable thing in a suspenseless return. Id love to think that the producers and writers have something amazing planned for the shows finale but my head tells me that
Prison Break is more likely to fade away than burn out.
Those involved with 24 are going to need some Season 7 t-shirts when they start working on season 8. Ive read in a few self-congratulatory interviews with producers, cast and writers that everyone wore season 6 t-shirts on and around the set of
24 while they filmed season 7 to remind them how bad season 6 was and avoid a repeat. Well after this weeks episode, season 6 is starting to look like the bastard lovechild of
The Sopranos and
The Wire, so I hope they saved enough money to buy some season 7 t-shirts. This isnt just the geeky fanboy Tony mark inside me thats coming out, although that is the straw that broke the camels back; this season, to say they had so long to make sure it was right, has been a complete letdown. I know
24 requires a certain suspension of disbelief but if you really stop and think about the happenings of this season so far, like I did when I discovered Tony had gone over to the dark side, it makes your head hurt. Im trying to reserve judgement on what seems like a character assassination of Tony until we get to see how it plays out, but at the moment Im feeling nothing but utter disdain for what used to be the highlight of my TV week (More on this next week.)
Dean Winters is paying for surviving in Oz so long. As the Machiavellian Ryan OReilly on one of the grittiest shows on TV Oz, Dean Winters was one of only a handful of cast members to survive for the shows entire run.
Recently though, characters played by this brilliant actor (who would have been my personal choice to play Max Payne) have been somewhat more unlucky than OReilly. First Johnny Gavin was gunned down on
Rescue Me and now his Charley Dixon has been offed on
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles as the show seemingly tries to tie up loose ends before its impending cancellation. Whats next for the poor guy? Is Liz Lemon going to stab him in his role as her oafish ex Dennis on
30 Rock!?
Comparing Susan Boyles performance on Britains Got Talent to Barack Obamas inauguration could in all honesty be the dumbest fucking thing Ive ever heard. Id be remiss not to address the media circus that has surrounded Chris Moyles in drag look-alike Susan Boyle in the last week or so. The hype and fuss are completely unwarranted; yes this woman who may not be much to look at has the voice of an angel but beyond that Im just not getting it, if you ask me, dance troupe Flawless were better than her anyway and if thats not enough, the little Welsh lad who closed out last Saturdays show is now being tipped to give Boyle a run for her money and is even stealing away some of Boyles fickle celebrity twitterers. Thats how ridiculous this whole thing is, the woman who the press were comparing to Barack Obama may not even win the show! That whole comparison made me want to crawl up inside my own asshole just to get away from the mind-blowing idiocy of the Worlds media. Do you know why only 20 million people watched Obama on youtube? Because hundreds of millions watched it live!
Pants Cannot Sell Cereal. On
The Apprentice this week Geordie estate agent Phil, who Id tipped for victory back in week one, coined the incredibly lame idea of using pants and a superhero named Pantsman (whos only actual super power seemed to be the ability to help people wear their underwear the right way, something he seemed unable to grasp himself) to sell a new breakfast cereal. Unsurprisingly Phils team were well and truly pummelled by the opposition who were led by Kate this week. Sugar really needs to switch the teams up a bit next week because the teams are so unbalanced at the moment its almost unfair. Although Kate and co.s Treasure Flakes cereal was a shameless rip-off of Capn Crunch, overall they put together a pretty impressive product and campaign, even if Bens voice for the parrot used to front the ad campaign did sound like the voice of Ghostface from the
Scream films. In the end team leader of Phils team Kim was fired, and I would say deservedly, after a shocking idea was further compounded by an even more shocking product and campaign. Phil though seems intent on throwing away the momentum he had earlier on in the competition by coming across as, an admittedly self-confessed, big head. I still like the guy so Im hoping he can learn to take more of a backseat sometimes and take his deserved place in the final. And finally
People are stupid. I know its not TV related but I couldnt not comment on the fact that Cheryl fucking Tweedy (I still refuse to call her Cole) was voted sexiest woman in the World by FHM UK readers. Thats right, in the WORLD, not sexiest woman in Girls Aloud (which she isnt), not sexiest woman from Newcastle, not sexiest woman in the North East, not even sexiest woman in the UK. Sexiest woman in the whole mother-lickin World. My faith in humanity dies a little more
Originally posted as part of my weekly TV Blog TV or not TV.