Zombie Shit

How on Earth did Rob Zombie become a filmmaker? The guy had a bewilderingly successful career as a horrible rock icon, so he didn't need the money. I'm fairly certain he was not called to the profession by God like some sort of retarded version of Paul of Tarsus. And, as far as I know, there are no mail order certificates available for film directors. Unfortunately for lovers of film everywhere, Mr. Zombie had an itch he simply could not ignore. His creative juices, overflowing like a sewer pipe in New Orleans, needed to be sipped and savored by the moviegoing public. They could not be denied any longer. So here we are, several years into director Zombie's (ahem) unique filmography. We gamely endured Zombie's first feeble efforts at horror films like HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES and the ever-so-slightly-better THE DEVIL'S REJECTS. Then, in what might be the most enduring mystery in human history, Zombie managed to worm his way into directing the most unnecessary remake ever - HALLOWEEN. Despite what a few apologists might mistakenly believe, Zombie's HALLOWEEN is one of those very rare films that might actually be improved by being projected backwards. It not only manages to be incompetent on its own terms, but it utterly fails to make the scariest film of all time scary. Again and again, Zombie made stupid decisions that would clearly ruin the film - Let's spend the first 45 minutes with baby Michael Myers! And his over-the-top hoosier family! And let's not introduce the Laurie Strode character until she needs to get killed! And let's totally change the concept of The Shape! It was one of the worst theater experiences I've ever had. For fun, you might enjoy this IM discussion we had on The Rec Show the night after the premiere of HALLOWEEN. Needless to say, I'm not a fan of Zombie's particular brand of white trash horror films. It's painfully obvious the guy is trying to shock people with the over-the-top theatrics of his films, which shows better than anything that the guy just doesn't get what makes a movie scary. When you factor in the horrible dialogue, boring shot composition, and terrible casting, the only conclusion is that Rob Zombie should not be making films. Oh, by the way ... did you hear about Zombie's upcoming HALLOWEEN 2? That's right ... Zombie is making a sequel to his unnecessary remake of a genre classic. Which itself is a remake of second film in the series. Bizarre. I'm foaming at the mouth today about this film and Zombie in general because SlashFilm'sPeter Ciretta posted this article from ShockTilYouDrop, who were on the set of Zombie's HALLOWEEN 2. In it, Zombie and makeup artist Wayne Toth claim that the Michael Myers character will wander around without his mask for a large portion of the running time, only to don a new mask near the end. According to the picture they ran, Myers looks something like this: WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK! As was proven emphatically during the intolerably bad first half of Zombie's first HALLOWEEN film, humanizing Myers ruins the one special thing about him. In other words, he's not scary when he's just a big, hulking dude. And that is the point of making a HALLOWEEN film - to SCARE people!!! I have to believe that this is some sort of publicity joke, designed to get the fans howling for Zombie's hollow nutshell on a platter. I simply cannot tolerate another HALLOWEEN featuring a guy who looks like your average trailer park hulk coming in from weekend deer hunting. Again, I ask ... how did this guy become a filmmaker??