10 Bands Who Should Play President Donald Trump's Inauguration

New Year Resolution #1: stop buying pills from a dealer named Morpheus. Resolution #2: find someone more famous than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to perform at President Trump’s inauguration.

No offense to the MTC – they have their place in history, having previously played for Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon. The fact that Johnson took the country to war while Nixon resigned in disgrace is purely coincidental.

The Devil may have all the best tunes but the Democrats have all the best acts, from Frank Sinatra (who performed at John F Kennedy’s Inaugural Gala) to Aretha Franklin and Beyonce, both of whom performed for Obama. The best the Republicans could do was Ethel Merman, who performed God Bless America at Ronald Reagan’s Inauguration Ceremony, although Dubya Bush’s “star studded” 2001 Inauguration included Ricky Martin, Jessica Simpson and 18 Degrees.

Talent like that doesn’t grow on trees so Trump may have to make do, especially now that Elton John, Andrea Bocelli, KISS and Katy Perry have ruled themselves out. Or he could call one of the following bands, each of which is sure to get the crowds pumped up on January 20th.

Who They Are: No doubt for commercial reasons, this New York “porn rock” group also goes by the name The Stubbles. They like growly vocals, fast women and profanity, and their album Soap Sud Enema features such merry sing-a-longs as We Stick Our Dicks In Retarded Chicks, Ziggy The Midget And His Six Foot Prick, and Hermaphrodite Homo Lesbian Slut. Bet they’ve never sold out Wembley Stadium.

Why They Should Play: As the saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures. Instead of reaching out to a runner-up from America’s Got Talent, why not book an act the President-elect might actually enjoy?

Face it: if you saw Trump on live television, singing along to We Stick Our Dicks In Retarded Chicks, it wouldn’t even scrape the surface of the worst things he’s ever done.

TOP TRACKS: Buttslut, Erotic Facial Cream