One Direction - Up All Night Review

Not to my liking, but if you’re a 13 year old girl with space in your heart now that Bieber has been outed as a fertility machine, you’re going to love this record.

rating: 1.5

One Direction. Formed from the X Factor rejects pile presumably because they lacked the vocal skills and/or charisma to perform as solo artists. But what happens when you put 5 people with as much charisma as a can of beans together? Well, you get a boy band with as much charisma as 5 cans of beans. We will give credit where it's due though. They (or the powers that be behind them) have managed to pull in some of the biggest producers in the business to contribute to their fledgling effort, Up All Night, and with the right people behind you, anything is possible. Just look at Gaga. Unless you€™re eating your dinner. Admittedly a 27 year old male is probably not the target audience for this album. Having said that, the memory still burns bright of my brother in law (29) and cousin (25) screeching along to What Makes You Beautiful in the car on a recent trip to Bournemouth, so what do I know? With that in mind, I will remain impartial, and give these lads a fair crack. They must be doing something right. Lead single, the aforementioned What Makes You Beautiful, has sold just shy of 300,000 copies and shot straight to the summit of the UK charts. It€™s like Summer Nights for the High School Musical generation. Doubtless aimed at chubby pre-teens with self awareness issues, I€™m sure it strikes the right chords for those that don€™t know they€™re beautiful. But, and I hate to be the one to break this to you, if you don€™t know it, you probably ain€™t. It€™s an up tempo, fun loving, auto-tune fest that jumps and whirls and does little kicks in the air, but it doesn€™t offer much for the music snob in me, and it pretty much sets the tone for the album. Up All Night threatens to offer some highlights, but like a struck match, it catches your eye, engages your mind and then fizzles and dies far too quickly. The stand out tracks, somewhat surprisingly, are those written by the band themselves (with assistance). Everything About You and, in particular, I Want are the key standout tracks. However, Taken, the third track written by the band (with assistance from Toby Gad €“ If I Were a Boy), is so heavily influenced by a certain song by a certain ex-member of Destiny€™s Child, I sit waiting for her to leap out and smear her men hating lyrics all over it. She doesn€™t, thankfully. The golden moments are few and far between though, and too often it returns to type. Which is bland teen pop, churned out in time for Christmas, to rival the likes of The Wanted and JLS. One Direction sing about love, and loss, and desperation, and rekindled love, but it€™s difficult for me to take 17 to 19 year olds seriously when they sing about such topics. Take That can sleep comfortably in semi-retirement. At 13 tracks and 45 minutes long, Up All Night could quite easily be shorn of a few fillers. However, when it does shine, it shines brightly, and will be topping the charts for the next few weeks regardless of what I write about it. Not to my liking, but if you€™re a 13 year old girl (or my cousin and brother in law), with space in your heart now that Bieber has been outed as a fertility machine, you€™re going to love this record. If I had my way, that One Direction would be straight to the job centre. But I don€™t call the shots. And sales figures talk. Just ask Gaga. Unless you€™re still eating your dinner. One Direction's Up All Night is released today. Avoid €“ One Thing and Save You Tonight

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