The Very Worst Christmas Number Ones

WhatCulture presents a list of ten horrible songs that somehow made it to Christmas Number One. Shame on all of us.

To compliment the Best list that we've also just posted, and offer a little balance so the world doesn't think we're too full of joyous Christmas spirit (I am, but I'm pretty sure there are some miseries on the staff here who don't enjoy Christmas as much as me) we've decided to also run down the very worst offerings that have somehow made it to the hallowed Christmas Number One position. Amazingly, none of the songs below were created under any of the reality TV banners of X Factor and its ilk, though there is of course some presence by the Dark Lord of Pop, Simon Cowell, who signed Irish group Westlife, and who allows his little buddy Louis Walsh to manage them. For some reason. Anyway, here they are in all of their glory. Ten horrible songs to celebrate Christmas with. if you ever bought a copy, you should be ashamed of yourself. I know I am (Earth Song, for my sins).

10. Renee & Renato - Save Your Love (1982)

Not a terrible song by any means. But what the hell was it doing getting to number one? Looking and sounding like something out a horribly dated "authentic" Italian restaurant circa 1980 I can only imagine everyone was already casting their eyes forward to Summertime 1983 and their impending two week mass-exodus onto mainland Europe when they bought this.

9. Wings - Mull of Kintyre (1977)

From chart-smashing Beatle to tat-peddling Wings frontman in a few short years. Hard not to sing along, but that doesn't mean the song is any good - in fact quite the opposite.

8. Westlife - I Have A Dream/Seasons In The Sun (1999)

First rule of Covers Club: if you really must, for the love of God, make it a good original. Westlife didn't, and still managed to get to number one. Shows what I know... still, an attrocious double, with "Seasons In The Sun" the worst of the pair.

7. Earth Song - Michael Jackson (1995)

You'd think that people would have had enough of silly bleeding heart pop songs from millionaires who seem curiously unwilling to give much of their own vast wealth to their supposedly worthy causes. But I look around me and I see it isn't so. Some politicised or motivated songs (whether the music of protest or of awareness) have their place, and are hugely appropriate, but Michael Jackson didn't even know which cause to sing about in 1995. What about elephants? What about crying whales? What about killing fields? What about babies? The song is so outraged with absolutely everything it begins to lose any meaning at all. Pick a worthy cause without trying to manipulate your audience into thinking you actually care more about it than about the money they're providing you through sales. Tosh. And manipulative tosh at that.

6. Benny Hill - Ernie (The Fatest Milkman In The West) (1971)

Harmless, funny and charming? No. I have a natural pre-disposition against "comedy" records, and it's just a shame that the singles buyers of 1971 didn't feel the same.

5. Jimmy Osmond - Long Haired Lover From Liverpool (1972)

An ode to Andy Carroll? Probably not. Same sort of quality though. If you can get through this video's first twenty seconds without violent thoughts, you are a stronger person than me.

4. St Winifred's School Choir - There's Noone Quite Like Grandma (1980)

So sickly sweet it'll make your jawbone ache.

3. Bob the Builder - Can We Fix It? (2000)

Thanks to the people who bought this Neil Morrissey has a Christmas number one. For that reason alone, this one heads to the upper reaches of this list of Christmas turkeys.

2. Cliff Richard - Saviour's Day (1990)

He wears a string vest in his annually released calendar to this very day, showing of his perma-tanned Last Turkey In Tesco physique for all of his adoring fans. But he also releases awful songs, which is probably a worse crime.

1. Mr Blobby - Mr Blobby (1993)

You all did this. Shame on you. If you didn't buy it I apologise, but a LOT of people did, so it's easier just to blame everyone. So, are there any particular festive stinkers we might have missed? Let us know below.
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