Uncovered: Robin Thicke, Battleaxe, Trivium

Burn This Town €“ Battleaxe

Battle Axe 10

What else could this cover be for other than a metal album? We have several identifiers here. First of all, this image, generally speaking, is awful. Amateurishly painted by what must have been someone in the band, it is reminiscent of other, much better works. It strives to work within the mold of classic metal albums, all of them by Manowar. It is both simultaneously homoerotic and violent and as such we must assume the music is equally so. The art gives us our clues to this. We have the modern Viking riding into the unnamed city as it burns. He raises a battle axe (could this perhaps be a play on the band's name?) victoriously above the charred wasteland. Perhaps it was himself who lay waste to this hell hole. Perhaps it was another. Without information we are only left to our implications. What did the artist wish to say about the music? Truly, they were striving to capture the fury that raged within; released only by the thrusting oiled crotch of Rob Halford to the strains of "Living After Midnight". The fur-lined leather jacket & boots he wears astride his dangerous, yet comfortable seat say "I'm a warrior but I'm not willing to sacrifice comfort." If there's one thing we can all agree on: this guy knows how to accessorize! But is it any good? Truly an album with a cover this awful must be uncompromising. It sends me back to the first moment I dropped the needle on "The Gods Made Heavy Metal" and I have to admit it's a good feeling. Unquestionably recommended to anyone who owns the first six Sabbath albums. Rating: Pump Your Fists

Aaron J. Marko is a literary magnate living in Canada. He is currently working on The Great American Novel about teenage orange salesmen in California. Do not add me to Google+. You will regret it. Available for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.