10 Foolproof Steps To Failing Your New Year's Resolutions

1. Realising You Suck

And so the cycle is complete!

It's new year 2015, and you're back on the sauce. It's not been a bad year, all roads up. You've done well at work and you've forensically memorised every weapon in Call Of Duty once again. You've seen more hilarious pictures of cats than you can shake a stick at, and you've invented a new milkshake made entirely of chocolate ice-cream, Oreos and shame. There's been worse years, let's put it like that.

But still, as you put down the deep-fried pizza, turn off the television and lift your frame back off that sofa once more, you notice that you've put on a few more, and you're not precisely happy about it. The Netflix queue continues to fry your brain, and you're sure there's more useful things to learn than every line in House Of Cards. Yes, it's still pretty awesome to recite in the right crowd, but dammit, there's better things to be doing. Like chess, or something. So when you inevitably suit up and go to a New Year's party, someone (and damn them, whoever they are) will ask you if you've got any New Year's Resolutions. And you, glass of foul punch in hand and once more propped up on the bar, will say you sure do: you'll shift 50 pounds; you'll learn a new language; you'll take up a new hobby... And what's more, you're older, wiser and uglier than you were last year, and you know all the pitfalls. In fact, you've drawn up a plan already, and you can't wait to get started. Hell, you'll be looking like Terry Crews in no time! This time, it'll be different. Right? ...Right?