10 Foolproof Steps To Failing Your New Year's Resolutions

10. Realising You Suck

As Colombian drug lords never tire of telling us, you've got to start at the bottom to get to the top. And my, what a bottom you're at €“ the modern world's pretty adept at kicking your backside, and there's plenty of traps the discerning 21st century go-getter can fall into. If anything, it's slightly unfair €“ you resolve to be healthy, but absolutely everything tastes better deep-fried (and I'll fight anyone who says different). You want to learn new things, but that Netflix queue won't watch itself. Plus, the sofa's mighty comfortable, and you don't think you'll get off it any time soon... And then all of a sudden it's December, and as you eventually rise from your sofa, you realize your trousers are too tight, and not only have you just spent the last thirteen hours straight watching Adventure Time, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, you'd call it an average Saturday, and you don't exactly feel good about it. So you sit down with your morning mug of gravy and ask yourself the hard questions €“ is this all my life is, lounging around day after day, doing the same old stuff? How is this making me a better person? Then it hits you €“ it totally isn't. You're better than this, and there's so much more you could be doing. So you sit down, take stock of your life and draw up some resolutions. And wouldn't you know your luck - it's December, and thus totally the time to do it!