GI Joe is the best known fighting force in the world. Better equipped than the SAS. More elite than Delta Force. Their origins go all the way back to 1964 at the heart of the Cold War with America facing challenges in Cuba, the Soviet Union, and Vietnam. Their mission changed and crystallized with the emergence of a global terror network in 1982. No, not Scientology. We're talking about Cobra and, a year later, the Iron Grenadiers. Trillions of dollars of the US budget were poured into research & development, training & recruitment, global intelligence assets, and more. No expense was spared. GI Joe has a reputation of heroic soldiers, daring missions, and vehicles created by American super-science. And that reputation ... is crap. Absolute crap. Ever wonder why after 30 years, GI Joe is still fighting Cobra? Ever notice that all of the same people that started in Cobra are still in Cobra (the Baroness, Cobra Commander, Destroy, yaddy yaddy yadda). GI Joe is horrible on every level. They are incompetent to the extreme. Even the French laugh at their military follies. In the spirit of tightening the reigns on out of control American spending, we will show the truth about "the Real American hero". We will show you why their sucktitude is legendary.
10. Recruitment
For every Snake Eyes (bad ass, mute, katana-wielding, death machine commando), you've got two tubs of lard like this guy above. This is William Perry, aka The Fridge. He earned his moniker because he was so fat that it reminded grid-iron fans of ... yep, you guessed it ... a refrigerator. This was what he looked like in real life:
And that was in his prime. Nothing says elite fighting force like a man who bleeds gravy. According to his GI Joe dossier, the Fridge is an E-5 (sergeant). His primary military specialty is ... wait for it ... Physical Training Instructor. Seriously. We couldn't make this stuff up. It gets worse. Consider Specialist Thomas R. Rossi III (codename:
Dee-Jay), a retired disc jockey from Rhode Island turned Radio Telephone Operator. Wait, what? A disc jockey from Rhode Island - that's
Pauly D! Apparently, the Jersey Shore is a prime recruiting ground for the USA's special forces. Is Snookie going to use her cavernous vagina as as a mortar against Cobra strongholds? Actually, that might work. And a radio telephone operator? What the hell does that even mean? According to his file card, "if it is loaded with transistors, portable and transmits or receives radio waves, Dee-Jay can make it work, fix it and coax strange sounds out of it with an infectious beat." Huh? Let's just compare this twit to ... oh say ... the
Alley Viper (aka the Cobra Urban Assault Trooper). Masters in brutality, treachery, and trained in super human feats of toughness and fortitude. To pass their test, they must survive a 30 foot drop in full combat gear and take a full machine gun burst off their armor. Holy Crap. So former DJ turned radio technician on one side ... and Escape from New York psycho killer on the other. Not looking good. But wait, there's more. How about Corporal Ronald W. Tadur (codename:
Dusty)? In addition to his expertise in desert warfare, his secondary military specialty is refrigeration & air condition maintenance. Right. Again, I'm struggling to see the significance of this. Pretty sure this is something that requires less than four weeks training to master. I've seen the ads on late night TV. Oh wait. I get it. Refrigeration maintenance - that must mean he's the special guy assigned to give the Physical Training Instructor above his IV line of chocolate syrup in between workouts. Or Charlie Iron Knife (codename:
Spirit) the Native American that talks like Tonto? On his dossier it says he's like a psychologist if psychology actually worked. Oooh! Burn! Or Marvin Hinton (codename:
Roadblock), whose primary goal in life is to be a gourmet chef and was dumb enough to believe the US Army offered culinary training. Seriously. Have you seen an
MRE? Gordon Ramsey would claw out his tongue with salad tongs. These are your elite combat soldiers. Thank God the Cold War never actually happened. We'd all be speaking Russian and waiting in 5 hour lines for toilet paper.
