1. Kill Ratio
With all of these blunders in recruiting, discipline, leadership, intelligence, technology, guns, missiles, and secrecy, you'd still think that GI Joe could manage to kill a few terrorists. Right? They still have Snake Eyes after all. Let's watch a few battles to count a few Confirmed Kills: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M06smQOkxq8 Whoa! There's not one Kill. Not a one ... despite trillions of federal support, plenty of battles, hundreds if not thousands of personnel, and an enemy just as intent on underachievement as they are. Watch the clip. I challenge you to find me one dead body. Just one. There are none. Okay, now just look for one direct hit with a missile or laser beam? Nothing. How about the smoking ruins of a pair of Cobra combat boots? A bullet-riddled helmet? A weeping widow at the Cobra homecoming? Nothing. Not a single kill in 50 years! Is this even possible? Fifty years?!? Anything could have happen in that time that could even accidentally impeded the health of a Cobra soldier. Like a Crimson Guard catching a case of bird flu from Shipwreck's parrot? Or maybe a case of herpes from making sexy with Lady Jaye? Nothing? Nothing at all? Mother goat balls! This is the worst army ever! Just compare them to these guys:
In 1987, Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer led his team of commandos into Central America and 107 minutes later, they racked up 62 confirmed kills AND a dead extraterrestrial with a plasma cannon and cloaking device. Or how about these guys:
Led by Barney Ross, this small team of mercenary bad asses appeared in 2010 and again in 2012 for a total of 206 minutes to wrack up a total body count of 692 confirmed. And I didn't even mention Rambo (220 solo confirmed kills). GI Joe, you suck. And you know what? Your movie sucked, too. Marlon Wayans? Really? Damn, I need a Tylenol.