8. Leadership
Alright, I know what you're thinking. Give me a strong leader and I can make a bunch of losers into something deadly. Well, shit, Leonidas held Thermopylae with just 300 dudes not wearing pants against a million Iranians. Er ... I mean Persians. So let's just take a look at the Joe leadership. Numero uno - General Clayton Abernathy (codename:
Hawk). Primary military specialty? Artillery. Oh okay! Now we're getting somewhere. This guy bombs the enemy from hundreds of miles away while his crew of miscreants light their farts in the mess hall, right? Watch this video of a typical GI Joe battle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YjfGex5JHY Whoa. Did I just watch a land force, primarily riding ATV's and land skimmers, attack the Cobra equivalent of the Death Star? In a frontal assault? Did I just watch the Joes charge into a hail of laser fire to purposefully engage in hand-to-hand combat? WTF! Where's the artillery? Why are they doing the modern equivalent of jousting? I feel like I'm in crazy-land. Maybe this excerpt from a previous file on General Hawk back when he was just a
Colonel will shed some light: "Hawk comes from a well established (real loaded) family" Ah, that makes sense. That's why he started out as an O-6 in 1982, an O-7 in 1984, and finally up to an O-8 in 1991. That's pretty quick. He's the George W. Bush of GI Joe. Got it. Let's move on to the second-in-command - 1st Sergeant Conrad Hauser (codename:
Duke). Now for those of you that were paying attention, Hawk is a 2-star general or an O-8. Duke is an E-7. Let's just count the gap between those military ranks: Sergeant Major, Second Lieutenant, First Lieutenant, Captain, Major, Lieutenant Colonel, Colonel, and Brigadier General. I'm no math genius, but by my count that is EIGHT missing ranks between the head honcho and the next guy. It's obvious that GI Joe has no command structure whatsoever. Not a single officer, junior officer, aide-de-camp, nothing. And Hawk is a rich playboy playing soldier on daddy's money. Duke (and his counterpart Flint) are the ones really running the show. Career grunts. Consider this: Duke has been a GI Joe for a 31 year career and has only risen to an E-7. Clearly, he's useless. No wonder their best strategy is to point and scream at the incoming Cobra imperial cruiser. Do we even bother mentioning who is
fourth in command? Yeah, it's this guy:
A pork-bellied, burnt out wrestler in leotards. Ovey.
