7. Intelligence Gathering
Let's just assume for a second that organizationally speaking, Cobra is the most successful criminal enterprise in the history of mankind at keeping their secrets. At least, that's what he have to assume based off of all the operational intelligence that GI Joe is unable to gather. Destro builds the Cobra death star in the clip above - GI Joe, no clue. Their R&D facilities, utilizing explosive materials, specialist scientists - all those dangerous things could probably be short-listed on the back of a napkin. GI Joe, no clue. Cobra rides into battle with custom vehicles, state-of-the-art technology, and GI Joe has literally no idea where these are being manufactured. So let's just assume that Cobra is super awesome at keeping a secret ... despite the fact Cobra Commander is a chatty cathy on their strategic plans with anyone that bothers to wander into his throne room. Even with that ... I present to you the Serpentor Files. Serpentor is a genetically-created superhuman utilizing the technology pioneered by Dr. Mindbender and Destro. The foundation of this project rests on a massive break through in cloning. Sure, there's a chance that GI Joe doesn't notice that world's premier geneticists being kidnapped, assassinated, or Facebook hacked and all that essential intellectual capital is suddenly missing. But ... as the culmination of this plan, Cobra had to raid the tombs and crypts of at least SIXTEEN global conquerors. They are (ahem): Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Atilla the Hun, Philip II of Macedon, Alexander the Great, Ivan the Terrible, Vlad the Impaler, Hannibal, Genghis Khan, Grigori Rasputin, Montezuma, Geronimo, Xanuth Amon-Toth, Ulrik the Batterer, and Takshaka. During this plan, the GI Joes intercept a Cobra communique that includes a gold bar and a request to Zartan to bring in additional Dreadnok assets. Another one later reveals that Cobra is going to raid the tombs of all the famous conquerors and even which ones. The GI Joe brain trust? Not a clue. No interrogations of captured soldiers. No statistical modelling of potential plots. Not even eavesdropping as the Dreadnoks shoot meth in their Outback lair. Nothing. Now of course even with advance knowledge of several vital Cobra targets, GI Joe manages to completely fail in their defense. The only near victory they manage is to prevent Dr. Mindbender from grabbing Sun Tzu's DNA, but instead they allow Sgt. Slaughter to be harvested. I'd love to hear General Hawk defend that track record in front of a Congressional sub-committee. It is ONLY after they capture a genetic harvester AND then conduct significant research and brainstorming, that they start to put it all together. Cloning. Cobra. Bad. Uh-oh! Their conclusion? After realizing that Cobra is harvesting the DNA of the greatest leaders in military history, GI Joe naturally assumes that the ultimate goal is to make ... an army of super soldiers. Not a supreme leader. An army of super grunts. As if the B. A. T. robots didn't somehow already fulfill that role. Morons.