10 Stupid Things to Do Before You Die

2. Attend a Sober Public Event in Full Alternative Character!

Now for those of you without Thespian tendencies, this one is a real eye opener. It works best at networking events because you€™re forced to give a mini bio every ten minutes and was made famous by The Wedding Crashers but need not be so outlandish. Effectively, it€™s exhibitionism beyond karaoke but just shy of public nudity. Choose an alter-ego that isn€™t too much of a stretch from what you know. If you€™ve taken #8 of this list seriously, then you€™re no longer a keen enthusiast of, let€™s say, medieval dessert spoons; you€™re now the €œHead Curator of the new Medieval and Byzantine Cutlery exhibition at the Museum of Bleurgh, very new, we haven€™t done much publicity for it yet!€ You€™ve taken yourself to new heights of ridiculousness by being just specific enough for tentative belief and generic enough to let critique slide off you like drool on a Teflon pan. All the while, you€™re chuckling to yourself and getting more enthused by your new persona. If you can manage an absurd goatee, handle-bars or fu manchu then you€™ll ace it! Short of that, a funky hairdo you wouldn€™t put on your €˜normal self€™ will work fine. Keep it simple, close to what you know. Don€™t make friendships that€™ll last beyond that night, this isn€™t Hollywood, there is no way of explaining this that doesn€™t make you look like a massive tool! And finally, don€™t get creepy and start actually believing it yourself; that€™s how padded walls happen.
 
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A. J. S. Scott was created as a homunculus by a mad English Alchemist who was trying to make rum from ink and seawater. He is still a fan of both and he has no comment on what happened to all the ‘No Exit’ signs in Islington Underground Station when he visited for Beltaine. You can send him missives by bribing the Right Raven with sour-strings, or: Instagram: @ajsscott Tumblr: andrew-scott-things.tumblr.com