"Oh lawdy! My mouth suddenly tastes like elephant farts!" If you find yourself saying this out-loud you may have just witnessed the schemes of a Product Bandit. The Bandit goes from store to stealing various goods. Just watching leaves a foul odor in your mouth. Much like Gollum (Minus the sweet loin-cloth. It is my personal belief that everyone should own a loin-cloth) they are corrupted by greed. They're easily recognizable by their shifty eyes. There may be a general slantyness to their face-parts. If you look at their nose and think: "Yep, if I was a miniature version of myself I could definitely sled down that.", you might be staring straight at a Bandit. The best way to thwart a Bandit is to take justice into your own damn-vigilante hands. First you'll need a convincing Mountie outfit. After that you need a medieval lance and a Clydesdale. Ride around stores arbitrarily jousting shelves and meat products. This will ward off any Product Bandits because they are scared of the equestrian race. The Mountie outfit and the lance are part of the strategy because otherwise you'd look ridiculous walking around with a Clydesdale.
Adam Singer is a samurai sent forward in time to take vengeance on the relatives of those who murdered his fellow villagers in 815. Between brutal slayings via sword he writes articles for Whatculture. If you like his stuff you should read more and tell your friends to read more. If you do that maybe you can melt his frozen samurai heart.
Follow him on twitter at @AdamSinger6.
