10 Types Of Shopper That Deserve A Solid Kick To The Nether-Regions

2. The Saber-Toothed Employee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kz7_g5cU6w "I've never seen anything like it. I just asked if I could get a discount on this hunk of summer sausage. She started gargling graham crackers and shouting gibberish at nearby infants. I was totally freaked out!" -Jared Jaredson, Really Freaked Out Guy. That quote is from an interview I did for Time magazine in 2012 about Saber-Toothed Employees. Here we are in 2014 and the Obama administration has done absolutely nothing in the way of preventative measures. How many shoppers will be slapped with slip-n-slides before the President wakes up? A Saber-Tooth will likely remain dormant in most environments, but if provoked there is nothing they are not capable of. A Saber-Tooth working at a Video Store in 2004 reportedly began indiscriminately chewing the extremities of different mannequins around the store all while humming Frank Sinatra's "Come Fly with Me". This entire fiasco was the result of one customer's comment: "Holy crap they don't have A Bug's Life!" Before a Saber-Tooth becomes violent they can be identified by a face littered with apathy. They will usually be in a secluded area of the store. The easiest way to avoid disgruntled employees is to become a member on Amazon.com. Did you know you could order an eight-foot decorative windmill from Amazon.com? Seriously, they have everything. I don't even know why I leave my house.