10 Ways To Dispose Of A Dead Body (If You Really Needed To)

11. First Things First


Right, getting rid of the body is all very well, but it's only a small detail.

First off, you need to understand what bodies are like. They're very heavy, they absolutely stink, they attract flies and vermin practically from the word go, they release a lot of unpleasant substances, they bloat and they can even explode (so unless you were planning to redecorate with a "crimson chunks" theme, you'll want to avoid this). Draining the fluids as quickly as possible (and mixing them with a lot of bleach before flushing them) would help prevent this.

Secondly, if you can at all help killing someone you're in any way involved with, do (not that it should be down to us to tell you not to kill your friends and loved ones). You could be a super whizz at disposing of bodies, but if you know its owner, the police are still gonna come a-knocking when your victim stops turning up to their weekly yoga class.

Thirdly, should the body be found, you need to make it as difficult as possible to identify. This means destroying the teeth, finger and toe prints, and the DNA. The first two are easy, the last one is more tricky.


Writer. Raconteur. Gardeners' World Enthusiast.