1. Randy Quaid Exposes Conspiracy Through The Medium Of Song
The movie roles seem to have dried up for character actor Randy Quaid in the last few years, but thats not his fault. No, Quaid and his wife Evi are the victims of a nationwide conspiracy of the Illuminati affectionately known as Star Whackers, dedicated to pulling down the famous in order to steal their livelihoods. Ever since his legal troubles with the Californian government began in 2009, Quaid and his wife have been on the run, jumping bail and fleeing to Canada to avoid further prosecution because they believe that once theyre in a Santa Barbara jail theyre dead: just like Heath Ledger, Chris Penn and David Carradine. Oh, but the Star Whackers dont just kill celebrities they cause public humiliation and scandal in order to push out of the limelight those that would expose them. Like Mel Gibson, who was apparently drugged by the Star Whackers when he made those ill-advised outbursts. Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears should also look out for Illuminati in their inner circles, according to the Quaids: in fact, probably every single person mentioned in this article has been successfully targeted by the Star Whackers. Its what they do. What does Randy Quaid do (aside from bravely attempt to tell his story every chance he gets while begging for Canadian citizenship)? He writes a song about it with his band The Fugitives called Star Whackers, featuring golden lyrics like If they have the need for you to die/That will be a cinch easy as pie/They have lots of ways for them to kill/Taken drug prescriptions can be filled, which is essentially the Quaid manifesto in pidgin English. Now, we dont like to speak ill of the mentally bereft, which is why were so pleased that both Randy and Evi are of one mind about this terrifying conspiracy against them. The couple are one whacked out interview away from digging their own makeshift bunker in the sand and living off raw beets, and more power to them. The paranoid and the off-kilter make for great copy, after all. Whos your favourite weird-ass celebrity trainwreck? Tell us all about it in the comments!
Professional writer, punk werewolf and nesting place for starfish. Obsessed with squid, spirals and story. I publish short weird fiction online at desincarne.com, and tweet nonsense under the name Jack The Bodiless. You can follow me all you like, just don't touch my stuff.
