20 Things Only Scottish People Would Understand

9. Supergran

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtymNiYlSD4 And what would we turn over to? Only the best show on the telly, maybe even EVER. This was more like it! With a theme tune sung by Billy Connolly and a bad guy with the best bad guy name ever of The Scunner Campbell - this was the story of a gran who got hit by a super-power-giving laser. Whilst sitting on a park bench. And she would do good things, and ride quadbikes, and get in Scunner's way as he tried to be bad. If you are looking to remake anything BBC executives, make this with Annette Crosbie and you will have a guaranteed audience of at least one.

8. Bottles Of Ginger

One of the most non-descriptive phrases of all time, this one. A bottle of ginger, one might surmise in Scotland, would be a bottle of Irn-Bru. Or even a Ginger Beer. But no - it is in fact any fizzy pop available. Literally, anything that has been carbonated. So, to ask the man in the ice cream van, as often happens, for a "Boattle o' ginger" would then mean a conversation of "Whit kind like?" To be concluded inevitably by "Tizer". A conversation that need never happen, but has taken in advance of ten million hours out of Scottish people's lives at the ice cream van, according to our calculations. It's like going into a butcher shop and asking for half a pound of carcass. But hey - no-one said it made sense.

7. Going For Your Messages Doesn't Mean You Are A Spy

If you are ever sitting with a Scot and they exclaim that they are off out for their messages, there is one assumption you should not make, and one which you should. Do not mistake them for an MI5 agent, off to pick up the nearest stone and hide a note in it. They are not going to tap into the phone exchange. They will not be hacking into your Yahoo account (probably). Do assume however, that you are boring and your conversation is bobbins, for to go out for your messages is to go out and do your food shopping. Clearly, buying a loaf of Mothers Pride from Scotmid is more interesting that another minute in your miserable presence.

6. Not Being The Worst At Something Is An Achievement

Scotland has had its fair share of winners - Eric Liddell, Chris Hoy, Mel Gibson before he curdled, but we are more proud when people try to win but don't, because that's the sign of someone who hasn't sat on their backside for twenty years and waited for the arrival of diabetes - whilst at the same time have proved they are a bit crap and not really that much better than you. I present to the jury The Scottish football team, the Scottish rugby team and Liz McColgan. Until recently, this list also included Andy Murray but didn't the little blighter go on and start winning stuff? What a disappointment.