http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tZ0LWGdTq0 It's cold up in Scotland, as a general rule. And porridge is a tasty, rib-sticking breakfast that stays with you all day, and makes you feel like the chap on the box with the kilt on, such is a meal so manly it used to be advertised by The Hound. Many take sugar in their porridge. Or honey. Or some other namby-pamby condiment. But not Scots. Roughly speaking, trying that in Scotland will get the porridge thrown on your head. You need to understand that in Scotland, it's salt or not at all. Or worse - Corn Flakes without any sugar on them.
4. Hearing A Scottish Accent Abroad Is Like Finding A Long Lost Relative
Imagine the scene. On a beach in Faro and you are sitting having your breakfast of chips and beans with a pint of Tennants. Everyone around you is speaking Portuguese or are Americans. And then, suddenly, like a drop of rain in the desert, you hear the sound of another Scottish accent. Truly a great day, for you have found your brethren! You slowly rise, walk over, and say "Awright pal, where ye fae?" and the friendship that can never die is born as you embrace in a manly way. And not only that, it heightens your accent to otherwise unforseen levels. Suddenly, you are best friends with a man who you actually can't understand because he is also putting on a ridiculously strong accent to reinforce the fact that he too is Scottish. The two of you then start going arm in arm down the Algarve singing Flower of Scotland and having the best time ever, until you return home and realise he supports Rangers and as a Celtic fan you need to wash the skin off your skeleton and become mortal enemies for ridiculous reasons. Classic holiday fun!
3. The Fear When You Arrive In England With Only Scottish Money
To some Scots, crossing the border is a terrifying idea - they would rather lick the scrotum of a homeless man. But to the rest of the country who aren't thick-headed xenophobic nobbers, traveling to England brings its own danger; money. Handing over a paper note with a guy with a wig on to a cashier in some parts of England is akin to taking a dump in their till. The worry that after queuing for your breakfast, a bus or a hooker will result in your money being refused is a worrying time. Buying a packet of crisps with a fifty pound note upon arrival is often the safest option. It does often have its upside. Using a pound note in a busy nightclub instead of a fiver or tenner can often bring its own rewards. Not that we support this sort of behaviour, but just saying.
2. If The Proclaimers' "500 Miles" Doesn't End Your Wedding Reception, Your Wedding Reception Has Been A Waste Of Time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM0sTNtWDiI&feature=kp If you are not Scottish, go with "New York New York" by all means. But otherwise, "500 Miles" is what you want to end it on, according to Scottish Law. Ending the night with a "Durrunda! Durrunda!" is only to be expected, and will result in a happy marriage. Speaking of the Proclaimers, you also need to understand that saying "I saw one of the Proclaimers in the street" to anyone in Edinburgh is like saying "Hey, I have a bottom and poop comes out of it!". It happens to us all. We've all seen them, we all like them, and no we can't tell the difference either but we don't care. Watch the above video and let your life become a little less miserable.
The pressure is on, isn't it, to write something meaningful and/or funny in these bio bits. Well, let me think about that. I could probably quote from my favourite film, or book. Or lyric.
Instead I shall quote from my hero, Sam Beckett.
"Oh boy".
