Another throwback to the days of Prohibition and temperance propaganda. Alcohol is not a poison. It's toxic in high quantities - but so are salt, aspirin, water and oxygen. Toxicologists emphasise that it's the dosage that makes the poison, and that it's utterly ridiculous to call alcoholic beverages poisons.
2. I Dunno - I Had Alcohol Poisoning Once
Alcohol poisoning is not the same thing as being wasted or having a crushing hangover. Symptoms include shallow breath, blue lips, and stupor, and can lead to a coma, brain damage and even death. It's just like people with a bad head cold who claim to have the flu - no you don't, you're just a drama queen. Get up and go to work, you've just got an acute case of skivalitis.
1. So I'll Be Completely Safe If I Stay Far Away From Booze
Try telling that to sufferers of gut fermentation syndrome, also known as auto-brewery syndrome. They ferment intoxicating levels of alcohol via naturally occurring yeasts in their own digestive system, making them the cheapest dates known to man. You may scoff - but people have gotten off drunk driving charges by citing this condition. No word on whether it's a good enough excuse to get away with waking up on the hard shoulder wearing someone else's pants while sexually molesting a watermelon, though. There's no defense in the world good enough for some of you. Have we missed any? Let us know in the comments - but keep it clean, you drunken miscreants.
Professional writer, punk werewolf and nesting place for starfish. Obsessed with squid, spirals and story. I publish short weird fiction online at desincarne.com, and tweet nonsense under the name Jack The Bodiless. You can follow me all you like, just don't touch my stuff.
