A meandering ostrich, if insulted, will tear human flesh like butter. In the slums of Detroit, ostrich youths are lured into the gritty world of gang society. Bands of wayward ostriches roam the roads pillaging street vendors for low-quality meats and slicing mailman into quarters with single cleaves of their claws (How is it possible to cut someone into quarters with an individual slash? Do not imply that I understand the depth of an ostrich's power. That is for God to know and us to fear). Before I researched this article, back in the days when I was as naive as my mentally handi-capped kitten, Gucky Moses, my one fear was that of the ostrich clan. Now a new threat captures my fright. To account for the times we spurned her during kindergarten, Mother Sleep takes her revenge in our adulthood. This list compiles research of all the unsettling things that can happen whilst you slumber. Side note: In reference to my kitten Gucky Moses, I should have said handi-capable. Lately he has been depressed. Judging by the timbre of his mewing and his dietary changes he feels I do not appreciate him. This is simply not the case. I would like to take the time to dedicate this article to a cat who has been my friend, wing-man, rumored love interest (the press will say anything these days), and insurance provider. I love you Gucky.
Adam Singer is a samurai sent forward in time to take vengeance on the relatives of those who murdered his fellow villagers in 815. Between brutal slayings via sword he writes articles for Whatculture. If you like his stuff you should read more and tell your friends to read more. If you do that maybe you can melt his frozen samurai heart.
Follow him on twitter at @AdamSinger6.
