2. Exploding Head Syndrome
"Holy Carrot-Nips! My cousin just died of Exploding Head Syndrome." You might find that quote in your household version of "Phrases No One Says". Certainly at this point you've donned a leotard and your best track shoes in order to run me down and lather me with a thick coat of verbal-insult butter. Obviously people have died from a syndrome called "Exploding Head Syndrome" right? Wrong. It's an incredibly over zealous moniker for a disorder that is medically harmless. However, while physically safe, the symptoms are terrifying. So apparently when God, Mr. Science, Tom Cruise, or whoever I should credit as creator to avoid offending you, invented humans he/she/high-paid-actor installed a "What The Hell Just Happened" mechanism. Here is a play-by-play of what a night with Exploding Head Syndrome could look like. You've had a taxing day. Your "Extremely Sympathetic to Clubbed Seals" support group was canceled. There's nothing left to do at this point but go to sleep. At least you have unconsciousness to look forward to right? Nope, because your brain is a jerk. You suddenly experience a flash of light followed by what sounds like a massive explosion detonating in your home. It is common to wake up from this debacle with a cold-sweat, labored breathing, and tachycardia (Which is the scariest way to say increased heart beat known to man. Seriously go up to friends in tears and say you've just been diagnosed with tachycardia. How do you think I have so many fruit baskets? You think fruit baskets just appear? You have to earn them with deceit and manipulation). The terror of being woken up like this is so frightening that if it goes on too long it can instill an aversion to sleep leading to insomnia. What's scarier is that there is so little research on the subject that scientists have only theories as to what causes it. Luckily the syndrome is rare and no ongoing case has ever been reported.