7 Hilariously Batsh*t Things David "Avocado" Wolfe Believes

Gravity is a hoax. The Internet says so.

David Wolfe Sun Chocolate
Gaiam TV

Being a full-time skeptic, I long ago since accepted the world is full of people who believe in stupid sh*t. Throughout my time ranting on the Internet, I have found no end of unadulterated crazy peddled by con-artists and promoted by people who don’t have enough critical thinking skills to understand they’re getting screwed – both intellectually and financially.

Detox foot baths, alkaline diets, bleach enemas as treatment for Autism, essential oils to treat cancer, Reflexology, Chiropractic for newborns and a never-ending tirade of anti-pharmaceutical rambling spewed forth by those looking to sell the latest placebo to scientifically illiterate crunchy mums. I thought I’d seen and heard it all – until now.

Enter David “Avocado” Wolfe. A man with a 90’s haircut and a chocolate obsession, who markets himself using the name of a food that looks like a sinus infection. David has made quite a name for himself, citing himself as “the rock star and Indiana Jones of the superfoods and longevity universe. The world’s top CEOs, ambassadors, celebrities, athletes, artists, and the real superheroes of this planet—Moms—all look to David for expert advice in health, beauty, herbalism, nutrition, and chocolate!“.

Longevity universe”, from the Greek for “I slam my head against a keyboard and mummies pay me for it”.

Right, let’s get this sh*tstorm started and have a looksee at Mr Wolfe, I have booze, I have food, I have the steely-eyed resolve of a woman who is completely without fear. I’m walking into the Wolfe’s Den.

Tell my wife: “I found your stash of cookie dough. No regrets”.

7. Conspiracy Theories: Gravity Is A Hoax

David Wolfe Sun Chocolate

David Wolfe hasn’t met a conspiracy theory he didn’t like and the most interesting thing about him is, he doesn’t even try to hide the anus in the middle of his face (It’s where the sh*t comes out). David Wolfe writes like an unmedicated schizophrenic cut up a dictionary, put the pieces in a hat and pulled out random words and thought “F*ck it, good enough” and hit the Publish button on his Facebook statuses.

Most of the conspiracy theories he promotes are pretty stock standard - anti-GMO and anti-“Big Pharma”, the things found in the toolkit of a person who needs to scare people in order to make money, because dead people can’t talk and rationality is for people who read science textbooks.

He believes we have been brainwashed about gravity by Carl Sagan and that gravity is a toxin and by turning yourself on your head you can turn gravity into a cure for arthritis:

Gravity is not intrinsic to matter. That Carl Sagan idea that was sold to us on Cosmos on PBS, was sold to us deliberately to actually confuse us just so you know that. There’s people who have known that gravity is a force that can be displaced. There’s people that have known that since the 50s or even earlier than that. But by screwing up, confusing our mind about things, and giving us incorrect theories we were brain washed into a totally different belief system. That gravity is intrinsic to all matter, we’re fighting gravity, we have to push our way through gravity to launch a craft up into outer space, all this nonsense.

Call Kenny Loggins, because we haven’t even hit the Danger Zone yet Lana.

Posted On: 

Science. Coffee. Metalhead. Woman-shaped Nerd. Must love cats. Sometimes Sober. High-five me at: www.facebook.com/InsufferableIntolerance