8 Horribly Depressing Scientific Discoveries

7. No, Dolphins Do Not Have Conversations

There was a rather lovely headline not too long ago, reporting on some new research that had observed a pair of dolphins appearing to conduct a conversation just like humans.

We have always suspected that dolphins might have a lot going on upstairs, and the revelation that they have their own language only plays into our suspicions that they're a lot smarter than we give them credit for. The study appeared to show two dolphins taking it in turns to click and whistle at one another, in a string of sounds that sounded very much like words. The truth, however, is a bit more disappointing.

Far from a reality in which dolphins are all having cosy chats beneath the waves, it turns out that the "study" that found this was actually deeply flawed. Dolphin calls are highly directional, almost focused into a beam, and the measurements in the experiment were taken from a 90 degree angle. Not only that, but they were also taken from above the water. As dolphin acoustics expert at Hawaii Institute of Marine Biology, Marc Lammers, puts it:

“It’s difficult to make a simple human analogy, but it might be somewhat similar to recording a conversation by people in the other room speaking into pillows. Probably not how you would try to learn a new language!”

Stop anthropomorphising dolphins, they are the worst.