If you don't know who she is, Paula Deen is the recently disgraced television chef with a penchant for adding a huge slab of butter to every single one of her recipes. She was fired by the Food Network due to her admission of casually using racial slurs and planning a wedding featuring atrue Southern plantation-style theme. And what might one of those look like? Well," said Paula, "What I would really like is a bunch of little n----rs to wear long-sleeve white shirts, black shorts, and black bow-ties, you know in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around. You've got to feel for Our Paula. Don't get me wrong, the woman is clearly a vile racist who has waived the right to the public support which has funded her livelihood thus far and deserves the deluge of opprobrium aimed in her direction. No, what I mean is Ms Deen is just a TV cook from a part of America - the South - which historically, and empirically, has always had problems dealing equitably with their darker brethren, and yet, somehow, she is being held to account for her misdeeds more harshly than our highest ranking elected officials would ever be. For example, as far as I know, Paula Deen hasn't ordered drone strikes which kill approximately ten civilians to every alleged militant. Paula Deen hasn't been to Syria to fund extremists who post videos on YouTube of themselves proudly eating the organs of dead soldiers. Paula Deen hasn't instigated a war based on a slew of lies, half-truths and fabrications to dispense liberty
and death at the same time. Paula Deen hasn't lied to congress about the level of NSA surveillance. However, the people responsible for these actions are still swanning around with no fear of retribution or of losing their careers. Indeed, in Tony Blair's case, since leaving office he's managed to accumulate a small fortune. At the time of writing Paula's contract with Food Network has not been renewed and Smithfield Foods dropped her as a spokeswoman. In addition, QVC, Sears, Walmart, Caesars Entertainment, Target, J.C. Penney, Home Depot, diabetes drug company Novo Nordisk, and KMart have all ended endorsement deals with her. I'm confident though that if Paula were to employ me as her Communications Director I could put her career right back on track. Here are 5 things Paula should do to slide her way back up the long, thick, slippery pole to success (see Number 1).