6 Vital Lessons... And Two Sh**ty Things I Learned About Life While Writing Thousands Of Jokes For TV

4. DON'T KILL YOURSELF MAKING SOMEONE ELSE'S DREAMS COME TRUE.

For most TV writers (those who don't run a show, or didn't create it), be them sitcom, drama, or variety writers, writing is like working in construction. The difference being that writers know 12% fewer variations on "show us your tits." Although, writers tend to know more ways to describe man-breasts: "Moobs," "Man Chi Chis" and "Bro ta tas." Anyway, in TV, the writer's job is to hammer nails. Yes, you do a lot of hammering and that can be rewarding -- for a while -- but you don't make any decisions about what the house looks like, where the fixtures go and you don't own the house. Plus, at any minute, you can get kicked out of the house and be replaced by someone younger, cuter or funnier. Or a monkey. Because it's show-biz and people don't think "bat shit crazy" is "bat shit crazy" if a TV show is successful. Or has a monkey on staff. So to be a writer for TV means you get to exercise a portion of your creativity. However, you're at the mercy of the person you work for, the studio, the network, and the viewers. People who run shows are notoriously prickly. Shows get cancelled all the time. Writers are always being fired. So, you're also a journeyman, going from show to show, often working 17 hour days. And that's a half day. Killing yourself as you help make some other person realize their creative vision. Helping them pay for their asshole kids to go to summer camp, while they go to Tuscany to learn to cook Italian -- in the same fucking kitchen Olive Garden sends their "chefs." At some point a creative person should make an investment in themselves. You should be the guy who runs the show. That way you can exercise more of your creativity. That way, people will work to help bring your creative vision to life. Working 17 hour days for someone else your whole life will wear you down, suck out your creativity and make you wish you really were in construction (not that construction is a bad job, it's not). However, working 17 hours a day for yourself, is an investment in your future. And if you're good at what you do, confident, honest and trustworthy, you might just get what you want. But, probably not. It's still show-biz, after all. Remember all the shows that get written that don't get shot? All the shows that get shot that don't end up on TV? All the TV that gets cancelled? Yeah. That.