The Apprentice Week 8 Review - Laura Gets Fired
If you smile a lot, people will do whatever you want...
Hello and good week to you, my loyal 8 readers of my mum, my dad, my significant other, the stray fox who I hold up to the screen to read, my editor who does this to check I dont say anything too controversial, two BBC stooges out to see I dont say anything that they can sue me for and one man actually looking for an escape route from his underground bunker in Tibet, I hope I find you all well, and also what a week of The Apprentice its been. It involves art, Misogynist Adam looking at nude women and the teams being seduced by how urban a person is by whether or not they get away with wearing a hat indoors. Its quite a show. So, as you may have guessed, this weeks episode is all about urban art selling. The teams, who Lord Sugar conveniently leaves as the same as last week, must choose two artists to represent, sell to the public and large companies who want pictures to represent them and their brand image. Smiley Gabrielle, who smiles a lot and says positive things in this episode, is project manager for Sterling, she preaches enthusiasm. Which means Sterling resemble an ambition fuelled set of Airline stewardess for the entire episode. Meanwhile, on Phoenix, I have a dream Tom gives the worlds most dull justification of why he should be project manager, something about his Upper Class upbringing making him perfect to judge the quality of urban street art. Through sheer desire to hear him stop talking, Phoenix agrees. I somehow think they will come to agree with that decision. Onwards to the viewings! Tom starts by taking himself and Rottweiler Laura to Renault, their corporate viewing, where they talk about how they would like an urban artist for £5,000 to represent the French sexiness of their cars. Now maybe its just me, Ive never once understood how a car can be considered sexy, let alone a French one, if you give me the option of making love to a Renault Clio or Zooey Deschanel I know *enter terrible joke about exhaust filling here* ... Anyway. I have a dream Tom dazzles them with his second boring speech of the evening and we move on to Phoenixs corporate pitch... And its Beefeater Gin. Nothing sexy or French about them. Smiley Gabrielle smiles at them a lot, nods, whilst And on the 8th day, I invented God Stephen pretends to know what hes talking about...He doesnt...He really doesnt. At this point, Phoenix fail to ask what Beefeater Gin are looking for to represent their company, and what their budget is for their company...Oh dear. Elsewhere, in Bristol, the sub teams are searching for the best urban artists to represent them. This includes many visits to houses of men who wear hoodies and hats indoors, its all very urban and out of my comfort zone. It also involves visiting middle aged men wearing suits...What? Ive watched Plan B videos, this is most definitely not urban. Despicable. The teams pick their artists, Sterling go for an Indoor-Hat wearing Urban Artist Nathan, who does weird sketches that Snake Hips Ricky finds distasteful, and a middle aged man under the name Pure Evil, which makes more fun of itself than anything I say can really. Phoenix, under their inspirational leader Tom go for a man called Copyright and Pure Evil, which causes a bit of a kerfuffle when Pure Evil, not buoyed by I have a dream Toms inspirational pitches, chose Smiley Gabrielle and Phoenix, just because the horror of her ear to ear grin made him fear for the safety of his children. In his haste, Tom replaces pure evil with another middle aged man called James Jessop, who does paintings the size of a New York high rise which he sells to the tune of £10,000 a piece. Wow. Toms logic being that there is someone stupid enough to want a small building worth of a painted monster on a wall in their house, and if they can find that one person they will win. Admirable. The selling begins, Sterlings main attraction, indoor hat wearer Nathan, doesnt really hit it off with people, however Pure Evil roars off the shelves too much celebratory smiling from Gabrielle. Over on Phoenix, Rottweiler Lauras sales pitch to more-money-than-sense customers is akin to that of a small child sitting in the corner crying and whispering begging words in peoples ears. I.E. Its not very good. Misogynist Adam meanwhile, revels in selling paintings of nude women as he loves the idea of them being in their rightful place: objectified. Hes pleased. The corporate stooges arrive from their respective companies, Renault are met with wine, conversation and general pushiness by I have a dream Tom, whilst are Beefeater Gin are met by...no-one...and are then accosted by And on the 8th day, I invented God Stephen, they were better off with no-one really. They leave quite quickly. The sales end with the whole game up in the air, Sterling clearly sold better and had the better artists, but messed up their corporate buyers, Phoenix sold none of the huge expensive paintings but won over their corporate buyers who had a grand deal of £5,000 to spend. The figures very much resemble this, after much criticism of Sterling not double checking how much Beefeater Gin were willing to spend (which was a whopping £10,000, Sterlings pitched artist to them was selling a painting worth £500, ouch) but Sterling still pull through after a staggering £11,000 of general sales compared to Phoenixs £4,000, and their £5,000 purchase by Renault. After much huffing and puffing, it winds up with I have a dream Tom, who made the call to go for the expensive artist, Husky Voice Jade, who was in there against general crimes against tolerability, and Rottweiler Laura, who only sold £700, for below everybody else, in the boardroom. The game is up for Rottweiler Laura who, rather damningly, put that sales were her best quality on her application and then, erm, failed to sell anything. Who was fired: Rottweiler Laura Was it the right decision? Well you cant really say you can sell and then not sell... This Weeks Valuable Business Lesson: If you smile a lot, people will do whatever you want.