Jessica paces nervously while Bill talks to Lillith, who goes on about the Apocalypse, proving worthy, and how there is no god but God, although the two of them will be worshiped as a god. Recapper: Dude, she just shattered your entire belief system. The entire book of Lillith, which claims that Lillith is a god, and that God is a vampire, was just discredited by that sentence. You drank that blood and killed yourself for a religion that is essentially false. That must burn, man, Im sorry. Bill: Completely fails to react. Recapper: Goddamn this show. Jessica goes to chat with a vampire hooker, and is kinda adorably cute. Surprisingly, she is not being hurt by the bleeds, which the show used to have happen every time a vampire stayed up during daylight. Continuity is for sissy shows, am I right? Recapper: That hooker has great hair. Jessica says This nice ladys here to feed you. Recapper: I dont know whether to laugh or cringe. Then ALL THE SHIT GETS REAL and the lady starts contorting horribly, then Bill opens his mouth and sucks all the blood out of her broken corpse. Jessica and your Recapper both yell loudly. Recapper: Bill, seriously, what is it with you unexpectedly, randomly, and pointlessly BREAKING BONES IN SUPER FREAKY WAYS? Meanwhile, Sookie bonds with her new boyfriend and whines about being different and how sad it makes her. The fairy boy continues the shows tradition of unique and interesting names by introducing himself as Ben. He and Sookie talk forever, and after the insanity of the last scene I have no ability to care. Look, romance simmers, okay? Andy has what appears to be four girls. He yells at the sky to take back the fairy babies. This doesnt work. Jason brings fairy grandpa home. After the tried and true method of policing that involves yelling loudly, Jason pronounces the house empty. Recapper: Jason, dont you have a job thing? The kind where people will miss you? Fairy grandpa jumps through the Bathroom Portal. Jason tries to follow and, thankfully, fails. Grandpa comes back after taking a shower, and says something ominous. Meanwhile, Sookie and Ben talk about how Bens life has kind of sucked so far. Ben flirts a bit, and Sookie has her 1 Smart Moment and points out that getting into a romantic relationship with her might be bad. Then she apparently thinks that she should kiss this guy because she watched her ex die gruesomely in front of her last night. If you are Sookie, this makes sense. Nora reads something from the Lillith Bible out loud, then banters with Pam rather awesomely. She thinks over how the people led Lillith to the sun, which whatever. She and Pam bond over how Eric adores Pam, which is nice and suggests that Nora may be cool. Thus, she has clearly gone out to meet the True Death. Eric cleverly disguises himself in the tradition of Clark Kent. No one notices the Viking God wearing clothing 3 sizes too small. Recapper: Why is he wearing that guys glasses? Have any of the writers ever tried to wear someone elses glasses? You cant see anything...this doesnt matter, does it? The Governor teases the return of Mrs. Newlin, and interacts with his daughter. He clearly cares about her, so shes dead meat. The Governor and Eric chat about vampires, and how two baby vampires murdered their families, and how this is bad. Eric suggests that this isnt bad. Which is not a winning strategy. Then he impressively segways to Whooping Cranes. Eric and the Governor have a conversation about Whooping Cranes and hunters, which is really and transparently about Vampires and hunters. Recapper: Is it just me, or is Erics mild-mannered persona completely undermined by the fact that he hasnt stopped eye-fucking everything in sight? Eric: Im just saying its a tough. Fucking. Bird. Recapper: That line was either lame or awesome. Im going to go with awesome: Eric=the Best! Eric mind rapes the Governor, which is an excellent idea, given that theres no way the governor has a camera in here. Also he has special contacts. But Erics demands are actually pretty reasonable, which is impressive. The Governor is kind of crazy cool yelling at Eric. He even does this ridiculous fang-hiss thing. Its awesomely loony, up there with the stuff Meloni was doing last year. Recapper: I like this guy. I miss Russell, but I like this guy. Sookie takes a million years to walk home because its dark when she gets there. She finds Jason, and they both totally forget about the whole dead to me thing. Jason happily introduces their fairy Grandpa, who appears to be wearing long johns. Sookie makes them some spaghetti, and the three Stackhouses chat. Jason tries to make a Star Wars reference, which is super cool of him. Fairy grandpa explains that Warlow is there, because they did the ONE GODDAMN THING in the universe that could draw Warlow out by communing on the bridge. Then he explains that the Stackhouses have royal blood, and that hes King of our tribe. Recapper: 1) Fairies have tribes? 2) I give the show thirty seconds to say fairy princess. 6 Second later: Jason: That makes you a fairy princess. Recapper: Okay, I was wrong. This totally plausible plot spins itself out. The fairy genes skipped Jason, so hes not a prince, which makes Jason adorably sad Fairy grandpa explains that Warlow murdered his family and village, and that hes been tracking Warlow. Recapper: Im sure thats all there is to it. Definitely. No dirty secrets. Fairy grandpa explains that Claudine blasted Warlow into a different dimension, and then that Sookie is super duper fairy special and has special powers. Recapper: Please, please, stop encouraging her. Fairy grandpa helps Sookie learn how to use her new special power, and explains that she can only do it the one time. Inevitably, Sookie will soon tell a vampire about this power. That vampire will then turn around and try to use it for his own ends. Sookie will be shocked and betrayed. This highly original plot will unfold by mid-season. Fairy grandpa: Its more powerful than the sun. Recapper: Hey, its our Kill Bill weapon! Although given the amount of scary threatening crap going on, if I were you guys Id be more interested in him being his friend than in trying to kill him. But whatever: my logic is not True Blood logic. Eric is escorted out of the Governors house, and its established that vampires have no rights. Then he reveals an important and previously secret skill to the enemy by flying away. Lafayette and Sam talk about Emma. Then the werewolf pack pulls up at the trailer. Grandma Martha is frantic to see Emma. Recapper: Sam, you did call this childs only living relative, right? Thats why shes here, right? Everyone offers condolences for Luna, and Alcide announces that theyre going to take Emma. He points out that the federal government (which, lets remember, has proved happy to violate the rights of supernaturals left and right) is going to come looking for Emma, and therefore for Sam. Sam insists he and Emma can shift and hide, which seems like a plan that will blow up in his face. Alcide insists that Emma has to come with them. He points out that Emma is a werewolf, not a shifter, and that Martha is her freaking Grandma. Sam points out that Russell Edgington put Emma in a cage the last time she was with werewolves. This is a legitimate point, but it still doesnt overlook the grandmother thing. Sam says that Luna hated werewolves. The lady who was naked in the last episode yells about how Sams going to teach Emma to hate her own kind. Everyone points out that Emma belongs with her family. Recapper: Are there Child Services in this state? The hippie kids are revealed to be photographing the exchange nearby in the woods, not having been sniffed out by antsy werewolves, and again giving a bad name to social activists everywhere. Seriously, why do social activists on TV always turn out to be insensitive, underhanded dirtbags? Lafayette says that Emma wants to stay with Sam, which is the first time Emmas feelings have been brought up. Emma runs out, and Martha kidnaps her while Alcide beats Sam up and naked lady beats up Lafayette. Naked lady has to die. Emma apparently wants to stay with her mothers boyfriendwho she barely knowsand yells for Sam. The Villains Beautiful Daughter conspicuously takes out her contact lenses, and then Eric does this old-school Gothic thing and flies up to her window. Shes even wearing a white floor-length nightgown, and he calls her Miss. Its awesome. Jessica comes in from burying the Gruesomely Distorted Corpse. She talks about how lost and afraid she is. Its a really beautiful scene, and Im not going to get snarky at it. Then she kneels down next to Bill and starts praying. She confesses by running down the list of Deadly Sins, and also she swore. She asks for Him to watch over her friends, and goes through the main cast. Shes a fantastic actress, but the writing sucks so its unclear whether shes praying to God or Bill. She says I know she tried to kill you, about Sookie, but then says Bless Bill. Recapper: Oh yeah, I forgot that Sam and Jessica know each other because Jessica has a night job. Also, dont she and Tara hate each other? In Bills vision, Lillith is super vague about how Bill needs to save us and hell know how. Bill, the lynchpin of the season, the most interesting and strange plot around, FINALLY wakes up and magically turns on the TV. Jessica gives him a big hug, and he reciprocates enough to make clear that this is totally Bill. Apparently Bills having visions of the future, at which point he envisions all the Vampires in a concentration camp being gassed. Oh, wait, I mean being sunburnt. Recapper: Seriously? Holocaust stuff? I watched Miracle Day: I know what a stupid idea that is. This season better not end with a Giant Earth Vagina.
Rebecca Kulik lives in Iowa, reads an obsence amount, watches way too much television, and occasionally studies for her BA in History. Come by her personal pop culture blog at tyrannyofthepetticoat.wordpress.com and her reading blog at journalofimaginarypeople.wordpress.com.
Jessica paces nervously while Bill talks to Lillith, who goes on about the Apocalypse, proving worthy, and how there is no god but God, although the two of them will be worshiped as a god. Recapper: Dude, she just shattered your entire belief system. The entire book of Lillith, which claims that Lillith is a god, and that God is a vampire, was just discredited by that sentence. You drank that blood and killed yourself for a religion that is essentially false. That must burn, man, Im sorry. Bill: Completely fails to react. Recapper: Goddamn this show. Jessica goes to chat with a vampire hooker, and is kinda adorably cute. Surprisingly, she is not being hurt by the bleeds, which the show used to have happen every time a vampire stayed up during daylight. Continuity is for sissy shows, am I right? 
Recapper: That hooker has great hair. Jessica says This nice ladys here to feed you. Recapper: I dont know whether to laugh or cringe. 
Meanwhile, Sookie bonds with her new boyfriend and whines about being different and how sad it makes her. The fairy boy continues the shows tradition of unique and interesting names by introducing himself as Ben. He and Sookie talk forever, and after the insanity of the last scene I have no ability to care. Look, romance simmers, okay? 
Andy has what appears to be four girls. He yells at the sky to take back the fairy babies. This doesnt work. 
Jason brings fairy grandpa home. After the tried and true method of policing that involves yelling loudly, Jason pronounces the house empty. Recapper: Jason, dont you have a job thing? The kind where people will miss you? Fairy grandpa jumps through the Bathroom Portal. Jason tries to follow and, thankfully, fails. Grandpa comes back after taking a shower, and says something ominous. 
Meanwhile, Sookie and Ben talk about how Bens life has kind of sucked so far. Ben flirts a bit, and Sookie has her 1 Smart Moment and points out that getting into a romantic relationship with her might be bad. Then she apparently thinks that she should kiss this guy because she watched her ex die gruesomely in front of her last night. If you are Sookie, this makes sense. 
Nora reads something from the Lillith Bible out loud, then banters with Pam rather awesomely. She thinks over how the people led Lillith to the sun, which whatever. She and Pam bond over how Eric adores Pam, which is nice and suggests that Nora may be cool. Thus, she has clearly gone out to meet the True Death. 
Eric cleverly disguises himself in the tradition of Clark Kent. No one notices the Viking God wearing clothing 3 sizes too small. Recapper: Why is he wearing that guys glasses? Have any of the writers ever tried to wear someone elses glasses? You cant see anything...this doesnt matter, does it? The Governor teases the return of Mrs. Newlin, and interacts with his daughter. He clearly cares about her, so shes dead meat. The Governor and Eric chat about vampires, and how two baby vampires murdered their families, and how this is bad. Eric suggests that this isnt bad. Which is not a winning strategy. Then he impressively segways to Whooping Cranes. Eric and the Governor have a conversation about Whooping Cranes and hunters, which is really and transparently about Vampires and hunters. 
Recapper: Is it just me, or is Erics mild-mannered persona completely undermined by the fact that he hasnt stopped eye-fucking everything in sight? Eric: Im just saying its a tough. Fucking. Bird. Recapper: That line was either lame or awesome. Im going to go with awesome: Eric=the Best! Eric mind rapes the Governor, which is an excellent idea, given that theres no way the governor has a camera in here. Also he has special contacts. But Erics demands are actually pretty reasonable, which is impressive. The Governor is kind of crazy cool yelling at Eric. He even does this ridiculous fang-hiss thing. Its awesomely loony, up there with the stuff Meloni was doing last year. 
Recapper: I like this guy. I miss Russell, but I like this guy. 
Sookie takes a million years to walk home because its dark when she gets there. She finds Jason, and they both totally forget about the whole dead to me thing. Jason happily introduces their fairy Grandpa, who appears to be wearing long johns. Sookie makes them some spaghetti, and the three Stackhouses chat. Jason tries to make a Star Wars reference, which is super cool of him. Fairy grandpa explains that Warlow is there, because they did the ONE GODDAMN THING in the universe that could draw Warlow out by communing on the bridge. Then he explains that the Stackhouses have royal blood, and that hes King of our tribe. Recapper: 1) Fairies have tribes? 2) I give the show thirty seconds to say fairy princess. 6 Second later: Jason: That makes you a fairy princess. Recapper: Okay, I was wrong. This totally plausible plot spins itself out. The fairy genes skipped Jason, so hes not a prince, which makes Jason adorably sad 
Fairy grandpa explains that Warlow murdered his family and village, and that hes been tracking Warlow. Recapper: Im sure thats all there is to it. Definitely. No dirty secrets. Fairy grandpa explains that Claudine blasted Warlow into a different dimension, and then that Sookie is super duper fairy special and has special powers. Recapper: Please, please, stop encouraging her. 
Fairy grandpa helps Sookie learn how to use her new special power, and explains that she can only do it the one time. Inevitably, Sookie will soon tell a vampire about this power. That vampire will then turn around and try to use it for his own ends. Sookie will be shocked and betrayed. This highly original plot will unfold by mid-season. Fairy grandpa: Its more powerful than the sun. Recapper: Hey, its our Kill Bill weapon! Although given the amount of scary threatening crap going on, if I were you guys Id be more interested in him being his friend than in trying to kill him. But whatever: my logic is not True Blood logic. 
Eric is escorted out of the Governors house, and its established that vampires have no rights. Then he reveals an important and previously secret skill to the enemy by flying away. Lafayette and Sam talk about Emma. Then the werewolf pack pulls up at the trailer. Grandma Martha is frantic to see Emma. 
Recapper: Sam, you did call this childs only living relative, right? Thats why shes here, right? Everyone offers condolences for Luna, and Alcide announces that theyre going to take Emma. He points out that the federal government (which, lets remember, has proved happy to violate the rights of supernaturals left and right) is going to come looking for Emma, and therefore for Sam. Sam insists he and Emma can shift and hide, which seems like a plan that will blow up in his face. 
Alcide insists that Emma has to come with them. He points out that Emma is a werewolf, not a shifter, and that Martha is her freaking Grandma. Sam points out that Russell Edgington put Emma in a cage the last time she was with werewolves. This is a legitimate point, but it still doesnt overlook the grandmother thing. Sam says that Luna hated werewolves. The lady who was naked in the last episode yells about how Sams going to teach Emma to hate her own kind. Everyone points out that Emma belongs with her family. Recapper: Are there Child Services in this state? 
The hippie kids are revealed to be photographing the exchange nearby in the woods, not having been sniffed out by antsy werewolves, and again giving a bad name to social activists everywhere. Seriously, why do social activists on TV always turn out to be insensitive, underhanded dirtbags? Lafayette says that Emma wants to stay with Sam, which is the first time Emmas feelings have been brought up. Emma runs out, and Martha kidnaps her while Alcide beats Sam up and naked lady beats up Lafayette. Naked lady has to die. Emma apparently wants to stay with her mothers boyfriendwho she barely knowsand yells for Sam. 
The Villains Beautiful Daughter conspicuously takes out her contact lenses, and then Eric does this old-school Gothic thing and flies up to her window. Shes even wearing a white floor-length nightgown, and he calls her Miss. Its awesome. 
Jessica comes in from burying the Gruesomely Distorted Corpse. She talks about how lost and afraid she is. Its a really beautiful scene, and Im not going to get snarky at it. 
Then she kneels down next to Bill and starts praying. She confesses by running down the list of Deadly Sins, and also she swore. She asks for Him to watch over her friends, and goes through the main cast. Shes a fantastic actress, but the writing sucks so its unclear whether shes praying to God or Bill. She says I know she tried to kill you, about Sookie, but then says Bless Bill. Recapper: Oh yeah, I forgot that Sam and Jessica know each other because Jessica has a night job. Also, dont she and Tara hate each other? 
In Bills vision, Lillith is super vague about how Bill needs to save us and hell know how. Bill, the lynchpin of the season, the most interesting and strange plot around, FINALLY wakes up and magically turns on the TV. Jessica gives him a big hug, and he reciprocates enough to make clear that this is totally Bill. 
Apparently Bills having visions of the future, at which point he envisions all the Vampires in a concentration camp being gassed. Oh, wait, I mean being sunburnt. 
Recapper: Seriously? Holocaust stuff? I watched Miracle Day: I know what a stupid idea that is. This season better not end with a Giant Earth Vagina.