The worst finishing move in the WWE today isnt the Peoples Elbow, although thats actually painful to watch these days. Its not Cenas patented no-pressure STF, a move that looks like hes trying to warm up his opponents ears with his elbows. Its not even Wade Barretts Wasteland, a firemans carry into a gentle forward roll onto the canvas that actually succeeds in making Cenas Attitude Adjustment look devastating (seriously, Wade: sleeping children have been put to bed harder and more viciously). No, its a move sold like a gunshot to the jaw by almost everyone whos taken it, a move that, with the magic of camera angles and Teflon protection from the booking team, is one of the (kayfabe) most fatal finishers in the company. Why is the Big Shows knockout punch, nicknamed the WMD punch, legitimately the most pointless gimmick I can think of? Because its a punch, a simple punch to the face delivered with little wind-up by a genuinely huge man. If the Big Show can just casually punch anyone in the face to knock them out for a twenty-count, why isnt he doing it in every match in the opening minutes, getting an early shower and progressing up the card to take the WWE world heavyweight championship for life like some giant bald god-king of wrestling? Hes ended enough matches that way he knocked out three guys in a row like that at the Rumble this year so why not all of them? Lets look at a recent case in point. Facing Brock Lesnar at Madison Square Garden last weekend - a man who dismantled him at the Royal Rumble in 2014 and superplexed him through the ring on Smackdown in 2003 Show has the upper hand in the early going of this short match. Does he clench this upper hand into a fist at any point? Yes, and he misses but only after successfully delivering three chokeslams to Lesnar (a finish that so many big men use that these days that, like the DDT, its pretty much turned into a transitional move). How does the Big Show apply the chokeslam? By lunging towards a staggering Lesnars head and neck with his outstretched paw, much as he might do if, I dont know, he intended to punch him. Yes, yes wrestling isnt real but thats the point. Real life is allowed to not make sense, because real life can be weird sometimes. When somethings being written and performed to resemble real life, it has to make sense, has to have an internal logic or it just doesnt work. Its why truth is always stranger than fiction: because fiction needs that justification to sell itself. Big Shows knockout punch is the most nonsensical, pointless gimmick in wrestling history but if you think you have a better one, then tell me about it in the comments, yes?
Professional writer, punk werewolf and nesting place for starfish. Obsessed with squid, spirals and story. I publish short weird fiction online at desincarne.com, and tweet nonsense under the name Jack The Bodiless. You can follow me all you like, just don't touch my stuff.
