10 Wrestlers Lumbered With Dead On Arrival Gimmicks
The Rib of Creation.
The jury is still out on Mike and Maria Kanellis.
The double act debuted at Money In The Bank and announced themselves as a couple head over heels in love to, it must be said, a fantastically OTT power ballad entrance theme. It could go one of two ways, really: WWE could position Maria as a conniving valet, engineering unjust wins on her lover's behalf in a welcome continuation of Maryse's great work in a much-missed role.
Or, Mike could be presented as a lovestruck geek, failing to win matches as a result of his obsession. Given WWE's current creative malaise, it is impossible to get one's hopes up.
The Shield worked so well because their M.O. of upholding justice could be contrived to suit any given storyline. Their quest for justice and, thereafter, total domination allowed WWE to script their programmes in their sleep. Those absolutely blinding six-man tags were the best thing about WWE in 2013 by a mile. The Hounds of Justice had the luck of cats in the creative stakes.
Even the utter failure that was Phantasio in '95 might have worked beyond a few weeks because he had a totally bloody stupid but logical tactic with which to advance up the card.
These acts had no chance of actually initiating a rivalry or succeeding in the eyes of the audience because they were buried well before fans could even get the shovels out...
10. The Shining Stars
Primo and Epico are a curious case. Not once, in seven years under WWE employ, have they come remotely close to getting over. They're talented enough, if colourless. The abysmal gimmicks handed to them probably have more to do with it.
The very worst of which - worse than a direct sequel to Tito Santana's dire El Matador bit, which didn't get over in 1991 so what chance the Colóns stood in 2013 is anybody's guess - saw the two second generation talents repackaged as The Shining Stars. Travel salesmen.
How to parse this?
Even the very worst occupational New Generation gimmicks made some kind of transpositional sense, if you squinted or were of a generous disposition. The Goon was a hockey player too violent even for that bloodsport, so he had to turn his hand at the wrestling racket. Sparky Plugg was fast and furious in the driver's seat and in the ring! Or something.
How were the Shining Stars meant to translate to a pro wrestling rivalry? They didn't. They appeared in grimly unfunny backstage skits with the likes of R-Truth in which they attempted to sell him a time share in their holiday resort.
This wasn't funny. These skits didn't even contain gags, let alone lame ones. They just went nowhere because they had no chance of going anywhere. This is what happens when a TV executive decides RAW must be three hours in length.