5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (Dec 7)

We've been here before.

Vince Russo, as part of his hilariously misjudged premium 'Pyro and Ballyhoo' service, once embarked on a fantasy booking project around 2014. In his hands, bro, RAW was gonna get those ratings once again. Guess the very first story development he booked. Guess. Was it:

A) A swerve turn?

B) A swerve turn? Or

C) A swerve turn?

Swerve! It was a swerve turn.

Swerve! It was two swerve turns: Bray Wyatt, in this sad alternate timeline, turned on henchmen Erick Rowan and Luke Harper after feigning to beat down Goldust and Stardust. That way, nobody would have seen it coming! Unless they'd suffered through all those episodes of Nitro, of course. This all-heel feud (!) was to culminate at Hell In A Cell, which mind you already features more than one stipulation match, in a bout Russo coined 'Hillbilly Hell' - a hardcore attraction in which "anything goes". Anything except a traditional match, to which, like treating women as people and good taste, Russo is allergic.

Russo also mapped out a new story arc for the veteran Mark Henry, who, visibly scared of Rusev, instead set his sights on Sheamus...and his United States Championship. A known coward being granted a crack at gold? And you thought David Arquette boasted few title credentials!

In an unusual move, Russo has recently made another attempt at this tragic fantasy booking malarkey.

Not like Russo to fail at the same thing twice...!

Exclusive to his Patreon page, Vince Russo has fantasy booked WrestleMania 35.

F*cked if we're putting any money in his pockets, and to save you the expense, let's instead deduce the contents of what is a desperately sad job application, even by his standards. Any detective worth a d*mn must first pinpoint a motive: Vince Russo is an unemployable and pathetic sack of sh*t. Moving on, to forensically examine the crime scene, we must reconcile it with the characteristics of the perp.

What do we know about Vince Russo?

We know he's very, very fond of a certain stipulation match, and, with Oklahoma acting as Exhibit A in the precedent of Russo Vs. Not Being A Massive Tw*t, we know he is extremely tasteless. This leads us to conclude that a Roman Reigns Hospital Appointment On A Pole match between a babyface Dean Ambrose and a heel Seth Rollins will headline Vince Russo's WrestleMania 35. Then again, we're still five months removed from April 7, so there's more than enough time for Seth and Dean to turn twice. Daniel Bryan is working a holier-than-thou environmentalist gimmick these days, and is thus likely to defend his WWE Championship in a Dumpster match. That's the top of the card sorted.

In the Attitude Era, Russo booked women as if they were pieces of meat. The born-again Christian now formally deems them inferior - they're literally a rib, bro! - so expect feud of the times Becky Lynch Vs. Ronda Rousey to explode in a First Blood match. Whichever one of these over-emotional creatures rags first loses.

We can expect also the Andre The Giant Memorial Reverse Battle Royal, a few more On A Pole matches because traditional singles matches aren't money (just ask the resurgent New Japan Pro Wrestling and their $44.1M windfall of 2018), and an Ambulance match between Nia Jax and Brie Bella. One of these who-res will need one, bro!

Recent RAW developments support an insane conspiracy that WWE has pulled a TNA, and actually rehired Russo already without the knowledge or approval of the USA Network. No, that isn't the case, compelling though the evidence may be. Russo does this for free. He actually pays to do this, technically.

Look up the Pyro and Ballyhoo numbers.