5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (June 15)
3. Assaulted Course
In effect, Bobby Lashley, you are already tackling WWE's assault course.
Watch out Bobby. There's a writer stood in the tyre. The same writer who penned the Old Day and Bayley: This Is Your Life segments. He's going to dress up three Indy no-marks in drag to play the roles of your sisters and you are to stand there and take it. His script is God. Get past him. Duck for the low crawl. Squeeze past Michael Hayes. Quickly. He's going to either racially abuse you again or produce your matches. He's going to partner you with the only guy on the roster more physically impressive than you are, and give that partner the crowd-popping spots.
And quick, there's Vince hanging above the monkey bars. Quick. He's got a notepad in his hand. He's going to write all of your promos himself. He's telling you to wear a "big smile out there". You know that you look deeply unsettling when you do this, but he doesn't see Bobby Lashley. He sees a blurry muscular frame he confuses for John Cena and screams at you to be him. He's pouring grease on the bars, Bobby. He is creating an unintentionally sinister backstory for you, Bobby, because he doesn't know what he's doing. Not anymore.
Look fast. There's another Writer at the top of the climbing rope with a pair of shears. He has remembered that you win more matches than you lose, and can thus stand to prop up one of your fellow Superstars in this endless slippery cheerleader pyramid. You're building too much momentum, Bobby. He is going to create separation as you literally ascend to success.
The insane thing is that WWE booked a segment in this programme that wasn't absolutely rancid!
Lashley looked like an explosive superhuman out there in the non-figurative assault course, completing it with the greatest of ease, looking deeply impressive - like somebody capable of wowing you - as he did something very few humans could do. If only he'd jumped from the rope and simply handed an immediate, brutal and deserved beating to Sami Zayn, promising more of the same on Sunday - instead of falling for yet another Zayn ruse, looking a dipsh*t.