5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (June 1)

5. Enzo's Not Doing Well, Since Nobody Asked


How can you be the worst in the world at two different things?

Enzo 'Real1' Amore, as promised/threatened, has finally released his debut rap song. It is far, far worse than you ever could have imagined. The very title - 'Phoenix' - confirms this; Enzo uses the rankest metaphor possible for recovery. Rank and optimistic; this song is virulently misogynistic trash when it isn't incomprehensible, gravelly mumbling about as well-timed as his bumps. Enzo is more likely to dethrone Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship than he is to forge a successful rap career, on this evidence. Evidence is the key word; Enzo is actually using this song as a defence to the accusations.

We begin with a morbidly obese man we're left to infer is journalist David Bixenspan celebrating the "25th anniversary of wrestling" - a very strange choice we'd think was a meta stab at those who questioned his knowledge of the game, if this wasn't the stupidest f*cking sh*t you've ever seen in your life - before Enzo debuts his flow.

That flow is unlistenable on more than one level, in that you literally cannot understand a godd*m thing he is saying, and the the words you can hear are utterly tone-deaf. Amore grabs his "consensual penis" (!) and, though we are very reluctant to draw any comparison to the great man, sort of doing a rubbish Randy Savage impression at 1:10.

He performs a half-decent kip-up in the video, which we can only assume took multiple takes, since he never performed anything as athletic as that in the live arena. We then spiral into a smorgasbord of '90s rap cliché, as Enzo plays with hilariously ironic casket imagery before drawing deeply unflattering comparisons to 2Pac's California Love video. Enzo ends his missive by digging his own grave and gassing himself in the process. Finally, some realism.

Bada boom, fourth worst wrestling rapper in the room.

How you doin'?

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Former Power Slam Magazine scribe and author of Development Hell: The NXT Story - available NOW on shop.whatculture.com!