5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (March 29)
Intolerable Cruelty.
One would think, given the sheer depth of the WWE Network Archives, and the pirate’s cove that is YouTube, that we’ve seen all there is to see of pro wrestling’s rich fabric.
We have seen, decades after it was thought lost to history, the famed Hell In A Cell precursor that was the Tommy Rich vs. Buzz Sawyer Last Battle of Atlanta in all of its blood-soaked glory.
On the subject of holy grails, after years of hushed, reverent whispers—did two jobbers really once dress up as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and was it as so-bad-it’s-good as it sounds?—WWE finally unleashed, via the Unreleased 1986-1995 DVD, the legendary Toxic Turtles dark match.
And yes, yes it was so-bad-it’s-good.
Duane Gill and Barry Hardy, in a bid to get over with the kidz, actually f*cking dressed up in turtles outfits, nobody seemed to care about copyright, and it was all a deathly silent disaster. It requires the cruelest sense of humour to fully appreciate; Gill and Hardy cool-strut around the ring, their fists pumping the air. This, in their minds, was their big break—and they looked contemptibly lame. Gill does a visual gag in which he gets thrown to the mat, but because he is a turtle, he can’t get back up. If only he made it to the Cena era, and made sense of the Five Moves of Doom spot.
A wonderful moment in schadenfreude, it wasn’t quite the most prized Covenant—a physical place in which God and man can meet…
5. THE COVENANT OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING HAS BEEN FOUND
In Raiders of the Lost Ark, angels of death spiral from the Ark of the Covenant and melt the face of Major Arnold Toht.
His face becomes a mess of flowing white liquid, which is probably what happened to an over-stimulated Vince McMahon upon seeing the face of God in 1986. He had found his next big superstar in the form of the the ultra-chiselled, athletic, gloriously-permed Tom Magee.
Imagine Gary Strydom was a pro wrestler, and you are close to the orgasmic reaction Magee evoked from him.
Tom Magee looked like the next big superstar because Bret Hart made him look like the next big superstar in a legendary 1986 carry-job once thought lost to time forever. Bret, embarrassed at putting over this disgrace, demanded the match never be broadcast. And it never was, much to the sadness of pro wrestling collectors the globe over.
Watch that GIF to put this mythical performance into context. Tom Magee was absolutely, irredeemably pathetic. He chops Hiroshi Wajima almost affectionately. He mounts martial-arts style striking offence with, and this is no exaggeration, the force of a toddler subtracted by the undisciplined, chaotic minds that compel them to go apesh*t. The idea of Tom Magee wrestling a good match as is irreconcilable as Triple H truthfully answering a probing question in a media call.
The footage has been found—maybe—by photographer and Hart collaborator Mary-Kate Anthony. Tyson Kidd doesn’t “doubt the legitimacy of it at all”, per Twitter. She has unearthed a VHS tape bearing the immortal words ‘Bret V Tom Magee’, and at time of writing is currently sourcing a VCR to prove its authenticity. There is a chance it is the less sought-after 1989 match. But if this is it, we have found the lost treasure.
We have found something the toilet humour-loving, riyal-courting, daughter-fancying Vince McMahon might actually be embarrassed about!