6 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (Oct 27)
Vegetables, ratters and warfare, oh my!
It was a risk for The Rock to crack Hollywood in the early 2000s; it was a time of dusk before the new dawn of the action movie and, Roddy Piper’s They Live and the odd commendable cameo excepted, wrestlers did not make particularly good actors.
And by “wrestlers”, we mean Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster was mahogany in both tan and performance in Suburban Commando, in which he played a fish out of water alien character. Only on an unintentional meta level was his acting not a cringeworthy disgrace. Hogan, in the film’s closing scene, also became a sort of radical, backflipping skateboarder, showcasing more athleticism in two minutes than he did in one decade in a WWF ring.
Action wasn’t Hogan’s strong suit. Neither was comedy; in Mr. Nanny, Hogan played a klutz in a tutu, providing the inspiration for Big Vito’s subsequent wrestling gimmick, with all the comedic timing of a mime artist at Auschwitz. That was probably the high point; elsewhere, Hogan hammed his way through Hollywood in movies so searingly ‘90s that they rocket through the nostalgic guilty pleasure barrier and implode firmly into embarrassment territory.
Until recently, that CV was considered the worst attempt ever at transitioning from the squared circle to Tinseltown…
6. There Potentially Exists A Worse Wrestler Film Than Anything Featuring Hulk Hogan
The trailer for John Cena’s latest foray into Hollywood was released recently; co-starring Ike Barinholtz and Leslie Mann, ‘Blockers’ sees Cena portray an elder statesman intent on “blocking” the aspirations of the next generation. As Baron Corbin would know, it is the role Cena was born to play.
The WWE creative team comes in for fierce criticism from most quarters, but to their credit, Cena’s infamous “Baloney, fudge and mustard!” line is like f*cking David Mamet in comparison to this puerile tripe. Honestly, it’s a wonder toilet humour aficionado Vince McMahon himself didn’t write the script. Then again, there’s a clip in which Cena is so grossed out by the size of his daughter’s breasts that he feels unable to hug her. Vince would have booked an incest angle out of that straight off the bat.
Also, Cena and his fellow parents attempt to decode an emoji conversation shared by their kids, at which point they discover the sex pact premise of the film. “Emoji” was probably on Vince’s list of alternative names for Shinsuke Nakamura. Cena can deliver a d*mn good wrestling promo. On this scant evidence; he cannot deliver an acting performance. In a car chase scene, he sells a skid as if he’s going one on one with Ted DiBiase Jr. Cena also chugs beer from his a**hole, because this is the world we deserve.
Hulk Hogan, Hollywood is comin’ for you.