Just yesterday in
my review of Knucklehead, I was pondering whether the WWE had a good film in them and on the strength of that film I didn't think it was at all possible. I lament the fact that the company seems to be invested in only making either super-macho fighty-shouty films like The Marine (and its sequel), or fish-out-of-water projects like Knucklehead that put a Wrestler in an unfamiliar role for the purpose of comedy. The result is invariably a slow torture- for the audience and for the Wrestler in question alike- so it wasn't exactly with gleeful excitement that I picked up
The Chaperone starring
Triple H to put into my DVD player... The film follows "The Game" (otherwise known as Paul Levesque), an ex-con called RayRay (menacing!) who comes out of prison having discovered himself and a form of pacifism that combines the teachings of Sun Tzu and a local radio DJ and decides to get his life back on track and rediscover a relationship with his estranged ex-wife and daughter. In the process, he becomes a chaperone for his daughter's school trip, while simultaneously fleeing the criminals who want him back on board (since he is the best getaway driver in the business- though for a guy that size that has to be an exaggeration). All sounds rather familiar, and you could quite easily imagine Hulk Hogan taking on the RayRay role around about the same time he let Mr Nanny out into the world. Anyway, it's available to buy on
Blu-ray and
DVD now- follow the jump for the full review. The problem is, there's just nothing new here. The film is as full of cliches as you'd expect from such middle of the road, uninspiring film-making- typified by the sequence in which RayRay is agonising over whether to stay straight or to turn his back on his criminal past and chaperone his daughter's school trip, a conflict that is cynically resolved thanks to a sickly sweet flash-back. It isn't just the the stoner bus driver is lifted straight out of the Simpsons, HHH's volatile relationship with his young charges is way too similar to the tone of Mr Nanny and Kindergarten Cop, and the bungling criminal pursuers blatantly copy Home Alone's Harry & Marv and Baby's Day Out's group of wannabe kidnappers.
Alongside the cliches, the plot is painfully predictable, from the Hallmark card sentimentalism to the friction during the second and third acts and the conclusion which appear like slow-moving trains on the horizon long before they are revealed. And of course the premise works on the exact same conceit that has always appeared in comedy projects associated with the WWE: they take a wrestler and put him in an unlikely role, basing all of the comedy of the film on the supposed ridiculousness that Triple H would ever look after a school-bus full of kids, or offer romantic advice to a nerdy no-hoper, or be a pacifist. It's smirk-worthy, but it's not comedy, and it still infuriated me that the WWE would prefer to go this way with some of the talent than putting them in films that take advantage of their wrestling characters. And for a comedy, there is also a strange lack of anything even approaching a joke and what appear to be attempts at jokes are either diabolically unfunny (there is even an attempt at a satirical poke at the political power dynamic of the Bush regime) or have been over-done already. So instead of laughing, I found myself shaking my head and rolling my eyes.
I don't particularly think Triple H is a terrible actor, because I enjoyed him in Blade Trinity and believe that given material within his range he could make a second career out of it (hell, if Vinnie Jones can transition from sportsman to actor anyone can). I've said it before- and had numerous discussions with Matt Holmes about it in fact- that he should have been cast as Conan. He has the look, and the size, and his performance on Blade Trinity proved he at least has the capacity to tackle a role like that- after all, he isn't far away from the position that Arnie started in, and he played Conan more than once. The on-screen team is made of up a supporting cast of fairly recognisable faces (though nobody particularly stellar), including Modern Family's
Ariel Winter, Kevin Corrigan, Enrico Colantoni, Jose Zuniga and The Simpsons'
Yeardley Smith. Noone is especially good, because the characters, particularly Corrigan's gangster and Annabeth Gish's concerned ex-wife. Again no-one is particularly bad- but the script is so woefully cliche-ridden and the characters utterly
expected that it is hard to see much life in any of the performances.
Overall, The Chaperone is like a cross between Con Air and a teenage version of The Wrestler, but without any of the enjoyment of either of them, and with far too much reliance on over-tired, cliched character types and narrative developments. It looks like some kind of punishment for Triple H- the same feeling I got from Knucklehead in fact- because there really isn't any explanation that would fit with why he would be playing this role. It's harmless at the end of the day, but it just isn't as entertaining, or as funny as it seems to think it is. The final word must go to Enrico Colantoni, who is victimised by this film so much that his likeable, slightly bumbling New Boyfriend to Hero's Ex-Wife character (caricature?) is just brushed under the carpet in order for there to be a romantic resolution to the film. There was clearly no need for him to even be involved, and the way he is cast off is bloody unfair!