How Vince McMahon Perceives Every Member Of The Impact Wrestling Roster

What’s McVincent the Second doing in the Impact Zone?!

Vince McMahon Brian Cage
WWE / Impact Wrestling

WWE’s scouting net reaches across every expanse of the globe.

North America. Japan. Mexico. The United Kingdom, or those who somehow escaped the nuclear blast that devastated a BritWres scene that is now in controversial and hilarious collapse.

And, since Impact has just bagged itself a new domestic TV deal that can be accurately described as “secure”—can’t get cancelled if you own the station, head tap dot GIF—Impact Wrestling may have just fallen, in its customary ar*e-backwards way, back onto the Stamford radar.

It is a promotion from which WWE hasn’t recruited in recent years, likely because it is the promotion to which WWE castoffs descend, which really is something, since there are so few WWE castoffs. You gotta f*ck up real bad to get released from that company. As we speak, the Revival are currently cutting weight to below 205 pounds and telling the road agents how to do their job.

In this satirical exercise—seriously, direct any complaints towards Vince McMahon, there are probably his thoughts, inadvertently problematic or otherwise—an attempt is made to ascertain what Vince McMahon would think of what is left of the Impact Zone…

37. Brian Cage

Vince McMahon Brian Cage
Impact Wrestling

“Holy sh*t, pal! Here is my new fave five, in descending order, quite frankly:

5) Steve Austin

4) Brock Lesnar

3) Gary Strydom

2) Stephanie

1) You, pal! Wow! Look at that mass!”


Michael Sidgwick is an editor, writer and podcaster for WhatCulture Wrestling. With over seven years of experience in wrestling analysis, Michael was published in the influential institution that was Power Slam magazine, and specialises in providing insights into All Elite Wrestling - so much so that he wrote a book about the subject. You can order Becoming All Elite: The Rise Of AEW on Amazon. Possessing a deep knowledge also of WWE, WCW, ECW and New Japan Pro Wrestling, Michael’s work has been publicly praised by former AEW World Champions Kenny Omega and MJF, and current Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes. When he isn’t putting your finger on why things are the way they are in the endlessly fascinating world of professional wrestling, Michael wraps his own around a hand grinder to explore the world of specialty coffee. Follow Michael on X (formerly known as Twitter) @MSidgwick for more!