6. Saturn Loves Mop
Brain damage is always funny! Right? Well, at least in WWE it was humorous enough to build an entire gimmick out of. Perry Saturn is a true badass. He was an Army Airborne Ranger before he was in wrestling, and post wrestling he was shot in the neck while saving a woman from being raped. For some reason, though, wrestling promoters just wanted to make him look foolish. In WCW, the man had to wear a leather dress for awhile after losing a match to Chris Jericho. When he jumped ship to WWE, he must have thought was as bad as it could get. Oh boy was he wrong. After The Radicalz stable ran its course, Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero were being groomed for bigger things while Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn were left by the wayside. While Malenko was given a comedic James Bond like character, Saturn was left to date a mop. Yes, a mop. After getting knocked around by the APA and Raven, Saturn was having some issues with his brain. He started cutting promos that didn't make a lot of sense, and then fell in love with a mop that he lovingly referred to as "Moppy." His employers apparently weren't too concerned, and marched him out there every week for another beating. They didn't seem to concerned over his mop love. Too bad for Saturn, though, his storyline girlfriend Terri Runnels couldn't put up with it anymore, and left him when Saturn chose the mop over her. But really, when you fall in love with a mop, there's no coming back from it. No one is going to take you seriously again. Not even John Cena could recover from that. Tragically, Moppy was murdered by Raven after being thrown in a wood chipper. This left Saturn without a gimmick at all, and he was soon relegated to the B-shows and later released. Saturn never returned to the WWE, but hopefully he got the care he needs, and has at least found love again with another inanimate object.
Andrew Soucek
As Rust Cohle from True Detective said "Life's barely long enough to get good at one thing. So be careful what you're good at."
Sadly, I can't solve a murder like Rust...or change a tire, or even tie a tie. But I do know all the lyrics to Hulk Hogan's "Real American" theme song and can easily name every Natural Born Thriller from the dying days of WCW. I was once ranked 21st in the United States in Tetris...on the Playstation 3 version...for about a week.
Follow along @AndrewSoucek and check out my podcast at wrestlingwithfriends.com
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