WWE Fastlane 2019: Star Ratings For All 10 Matches

A now-trademark bizarre, ferociously uneven and overlong WWE pay-per-view.


Why is every WWE pay-per-view as weird as sh*t now?

Is the company actively trying to stun us into a state of complete mystification? And to what end?

It’s almost impossible to sleep after PPV Sundays, even for those viewers, like your English writer, who stay up until the small hours to watch it live. Fastlane served us the most euphoric fan service imaginable, while simultaneously giving us cause to confuse the performer we want most in the main event of WrestleMania 35 with her mortal enemy.

It was a show that invited failure, and yet escaped.

Perhaps the secret masterplan is to screen WWE Photo Shoot in the background as the pay-per-views fade to black. This way, we inadvertently prop up the success of WWE’s forgettable and unpopular original content, creating an optimistic if artificial outlook for shareholders. They think we’re consuming, engaging. In reality, we are shellshocked, reconciling why Schrödinger’s Kofi is both super-over and “Boring”.

Fastlane was really weird. It was a show on which Baron Corbin starred, and Mustafa Ali was booed out of the building. It was a show on which Vince McMahon contrived to turn two babyfaces heel at once if, in fact, Kevin Owens is a babyface. He bowls. Are bowlers babyfaces?

Fastlane, at its best, was also bloody good.


Former Power Slam Magazine scribe and author of Development Hell: The NXT Story - available NOW on shop.whatculture.com!