Nobody quite knew what to expect from the new Artemis Fowl movie.
Considering it was stuck in development hell for years and unceremoniously dumped on Disney+, fans were either expecting a mediocre popcorn flick, or hoping against hope for a surprise gem. Instead, we got one of the worst fantasy films of all time.
That's not an exaggeration. The Artemis Fowl film is extremely awful, shockingly pointless, and bad.
It's not just a bad adaptation of a classic children's book: it's a horrible movie full stop. Whether you're a fan of the books, a fan of Kenneth Branagh films, or a fan of sitting down and enjoying a well-made movie, Artemis Fowl has something to disappoint everyone. It's poorly made, impossible to follow, and worst of all, it's not even "so-bad-it's-good". It's just... bad.
The main problem is that, any time the filmmakers behind this monstrosity were faced with a decision, they decided to take a sharp turn towards the wrong option. Here, we examine ten of the most baffling bad decisions, and try to figure out how this Disney disaster ever got made.
10. It Takes Itself Too Seriously
First and foremost, we need to address the film's most obvious flaw: its bizarrely serious tone.
Artemis Fowl, the book, is the story of a twelve year-old criminal mastermind who kidnaps a fairy soldier of the LEP-Recon Division in order to steal a big pot of gold. It's over-the-top, it's silly, and it's a whole lot of fun: three important aspects of a good children's story.
Artemis Fowl, the movie, did not get this memo. It dilutes all of its over-the-top-ness down to a dull, ugly, "grounded" version of fantasy. Nobody involved seems to realise how silly everything is, playing everything completely straight without a hint of self-awareness. And if you're looking for fun, there is simply none to be found in its scant ninety-minute runtime.
Except for maybe Colin Farrell, whose dead eyes scream "I don't want to be here!", nobody seems to realise that they're making a bad film. You've got to hand it to the cast and crew, they are trying so hard to make the whole thing work. Unfortunately, the material they've been given just isn't workable. It would be embarrassing if it wasn't so sad.