10 Dark Theories About Family Movies That Actually Make Sense

Twinkly-eyed and charming as he may be, you’ve got to admit there’s a certain menacing quality to Willy Wonka. Could it be that beneath that mischievous grin and jaunty purple blazer lies the heart of a cold-blooded killer?

Let’s take a look at the fates of the four Golden Ticket holders that don’t make it to the end of the chocolate factory tour who, in the spirit of dark and depressing fan theories, we’ll assume are dead.

The gluttonous Augustus Gloop falls into a river of chocolate and is sucked away by a pipe. Gum obsessed Violet chews on a new gum prototype that turns her into a giant blueberry upon which she’s whisked away by the Oompa Loompas to be juiced. Spoiled brat Veruca Salt falls into a garbage chute while demanding her father buy her one of Willy’s golden gooses and television addict Mike teleports himself through Willy’s Wonkavision television and ends up only a few inches tall.

Each time a kid has an ‘accident’, Willy is seemingly unfazed and then there’s the suspicious fact that the Oompa Loompas perform well-rehearsed songs with befitting lyrics after each kid’s demise. Hmm. It’s almost like Willy learned of the kids’ weak spots in advance and then used their Achilles heel to off them.

But, if the theory is true, why would he kill all those kids? Sure, they were annoying awful little brats but what did he have to gain from killing them? The only logical conclusion is that Willy’s candy – whose ingredients he keeps a closely guarded secret – is made of children, of course. Not so scrumdiddlyumptious now, eh?