10 More Films Hollywood Needs To Apologize For

If you need convincing that blockbusters in the early 2000s were churned out for an audience of gurgling test subjects, look no further than Tim Burton’s “reimagining” of Planet Of The Apes. Judging by the level of wit and creativity on display here, a “reimagining” means a rushed and pointless film that throws out the original in favor of a third-rate Twilight Zone episode.

The 1968 original is incredibly subversive, with characters arguing that religious dogma (read “creationism”) should not be substituted for scientific fact, but this movie is having none of that. Instead, Mark Wahlberg runs around, there are some special effects, and Charlton Heston turns up to say “damn them all to hell” (as will you).

So incredibly slipshod in its storytelling that neither Burton nor his cast could explain the plot, Apes has the distinction of being the only movie in the franchise where nothing is satisfactorily explained, characters and plot points are introduced and discarded at random and the big ‘reveal’ at the climax still leaves viewers scratching their heads.

Does Ape-raham Lincoln have a monument in his honor because he emancipated the apes? Or did he free the human slaves? If you expect answers from Burton’s DVD commentary, you’ll be disappointed.