2. Talking To Animals - Dr. Dolittle
Power: Having the ability to talk to animals as if they were human beings.
Why it would suck: As a race, we humans, on the whole, aren't real great to animals in general. We eat them all the time. We make them into clothes. We hunt them for sport. We hit them with our cars. Okay, that last one is kind of their fault, but you see my overall point. Animals haven't had it good ever since we evolved from cavemen. Come to think of it, cavemen didn't have it that great once we evolved either because we killed them all... We kind of suck, don't we? Why do we spend so much time dreaming of having more powers? We're already the most powerful creatures on the planet! Anyways, back to the main point... Do you really want to know what animals think about us all the time? Right now, your dog barks when you come home and you think, 'My dog is happy to see me.' What if that's not what the dog is saying? What if the dog is barking because he/she is trying to say, "Why are you still alive, you horrible slave owner?!? Let me be free!" Horseback riding is currently a peaceful experience in nature. Do you really want to hear the horse complaining the entire time about how heavy you are? And why are you heavy? You're heavy from eating all that cow, chicken, and pig meat all day. Cows, chickens, and pigs that can now communicate with you directly how they feel about being eaten. If you're a vegetarian, this might be a cool power, but don't get too excited. Animals are not likely to love you anymore than German businessmen were loved for cooperating with the Nazis in WWII. If anything, you may have to hear about it more because they feel you're on their side. But let's take a few steps back. We know that most animals don't have the same mental capacity that we do. That's something that's often overlooked in the talking-to-animals sub-genre: many animals wouldn't be able to convey complex ideas even if they could talk. So, let's say they start talking to you. What possible interesting things could they comment on? Do you think a squirrel, who is entirely entertained chasing a leaf all day long, has anything to contribute to the financial crisis? Back to cows, if a cow could talk, they wouldn't even be smart enough to ask you not to eat them, let alone help you through your divorce. So, essentially, you would be stuck talking to morons all day unless you went to the monkey cage at the zoo or happen to find yourself swimming in the middle of the ocean with a family of killer whales. Even in the latter, the only thing you're likely to hear is, "You look tasty," before your new best friend eats you. If an animal starts talking to you, just pretend your sending a text on your cell phone and they'll get the hint. It seems to work with people.