10 Movies That Completely Missed The Point

9. Fifty Shades Of Grey (2015)

I Am Legend Zombie

One of the worst movies of recent years, Fifty Shades Of Grey swept the board of this year’s Razzies (aka ‘the Golden Raspberries’). The film ‘won’ worst film, worst actor and actress, worst screenplay and - most damning of all for a film whose whole raison d'etre is the sparks that fly between the two main characters - worst screen combo.

While no one expected the movie to be a proper award contender - or even really to be any good, given the appallingly written bestseller it was being adapted from - it was pretty much assumed that it would deliver on the kinky sex and simmering sexual tension front.

After all, the premise is that there is an built-in audience for this film that wanted to see a faithful adaptation of the terrible, terrible book that they inexplicably helped make such a runaway hit. This is a film which should be setting fire to people’s eyes, and instead it’s the cinematic equivalent of a cup of cold tea: the most restrained R-rated movie based on an allegedly torrid affair that you’ll ever see.

The first sex scene is so redolent of a 1990s softcore ‘erotic thriller’ that it feels like a parody. It even pans away at the end (fortunately not to an open window or a roaring fireplace), while Sia croons wistfully in the background about letting go and giving your heart away.

That’s when you realise that someone, somewhere thinks that this story is an epic romance, not an awkward contemporary bodice-ripper with appalling sexual politics. Whoever that someone is, they need a tall, cold glass of wake the hell up juice.

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Professional writer, punk werewolf and nesting place for starfish. Obsessed with squid, spirals and story. I publish short weird fiction online at desincarne.com, and tweet nonsense under the name Jack The Bodiless. You can follow me all you like, just don't touch my stuff.