10. John Carter Doesnt Cook Eggs For People
Even though neither Taylor Kitsch nor Chris Hemsworth were leading names at the times of John Carters and Thors respective releases, John Carter didnt make it while Thor did. After hours of experimentation, surveys, and being an expert, Ive determined that the reason for this has to be because John Carter doesnt cook eggs for people. John Carters character arc in the movie just takes too long to resolve, because it actually develops. Andrew Stanton, Mark Andrews, and Michael Chabon should have learned from Thors awe-inspiring example. Thor only had to get upset when he couldnt pick up his hammer. After that, all he had to do was decide to be nice, make eggs, and he was ready to sacrifice himself. What a solid way to get your powers back. Smooth, easy to digest, simple, cutting right to the chase. Why do we know this was the right way to go? Sure, the box office numbers gave an indication, but what is still even more of an indicator is the absolute seriousness and reverence Marvel Studios fans have about them when discussing Thor, holding the movie much in the same regard as Iron Man or Captain America: The First Avenger. Anyone can take a fantastical movie seriously. Anyone can be entertained by a popcorn movie. But this particular iteration of Thor, with an undernourished screenplay full of mostly by-the-numbers beats, is a genuinely special part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Why? Because it is, thats why. He swings his hammer and has cool friends. People generally say that Marvel Studios has yet to deliver a bad movie. Which is definitely true. A bad movie in Thor wasnt overlooked or ignored in the leastit was fantastic, especially in the character of Darcy Lewis with her unique, categorically surprising quips about Thor being cute or taking a picture of Thor for Facebook or Thor not wearing a shirt. Marvel Studios used its creative independence and adapted the spectacular possibilities presented by the Thor character the right way, by sticking to basic Hollywood tropes. Not only did it keep them in the black, but the fans love it. So when John Carter tried to be a movie organically progressing its lead hero forward, that was the first nail in the coffinif Carter had requested a coffin, that is. John Carter isnt the only character in his movie guilty of this sin. If he were, the film may have been salvageable. Unfortunately, the movie is full of characters with multidimensional complexities. Dejah Thoris, the female lead, is already badass at the beginning, but the filmmakers just couldnt leave well enough alone. Badass is character definition enough these days, especially for females. All she had to do was be tough and fall in love with John Carter after talking to him in front of a campfire like Natalie Portman and we would have been happy. We know theyre supposed to be star-crossed lovers, so why not just get it over with already? Instead, Dejah evolves organically almost as ridiculously much as Carter does. Yawn. Thors Loki and John Carters Matai Shang both have layers, but with Matai Shang, the viewer actually has to think about what Shang is saying and possibly wait for his larger motivations to be revealed in a sequel to truly see his whole arc, like a real trilogy. And on a related note, who needs Tars Tarkass painful eyes so artfully rendered when we have Ray Stevensons just as serviceable beard? Any real character development is better saved for a sequel anyway. Joss Whedon did some great work retroactively making Scarlett Johanssons Black Widow into a character pretending to be about more than fanboy fantasies. But if theres anything more immediate in my needs than a character getting to the end of the movie as conveniently as possible, its my expectations for the next movie.