See, now, this really belongs right after I criticize "Total Recall" for not changing its all-important plot twist. Because Tim Burton DID try to alter Rod Serling's (Yep, him; He wrote it) twist that ends this already impressive original like a big-budget "Twilight Zone". The final image of the original "Apes" is iconic: Charton Heston damning us to hell for devastating the world he desperately wanted to return to.....and has been on all along, with all other primates now evolved to rule it. Burton's film really, again, shows us everything we've seen before. (And there really was nothing lacking in the original's scope, ape-costumes, or scale.) He's assembled a great cast - Tim Roth, Paul Giamatti, and Mark Wahlberg are outside of his usual stable and are good value-for-money, and stalwart Helena Bonham Carter is always reliable too. It's all slight and nothing special until THAT ending. For those who haven't seen it, well, I'll put it this way. It's some kind of alternative-history/parallel earth something with Tim Roth's Ape taking Abraham Lincoln's place; It makes any of the recent "Prometheus" debates look elementary. The original "Apes" was in many ways a taut sci-fi story told with a haunting moral. Burton simply rehashes the story, and, uh, monkeys win! Surprise! Monkeys win! (That's really how it comes off.) ARGH: There are some remarkably twee moments that go beyond "nodding and winking" at the audience and instead uncomfortably rattling you in the ribs while having a good laugh. Casting Heston as an Ape who damns everyone to hell again - but this time as a monkey! Wocka wocka! - sits at a level of tacky humour that Burton wouldn't approach again until he decided to defecate all over "Dark Shadows" this previous year. (Mind you, I'd have that on this list, but the "TV show to Crap Movie" list would have all ten slots comfortably filled on its own. I'd do it another time, but I don't think I can submit to watching "The Dukes of Hazard" for any reasons. Ever.) IRREPLACEABLE ELEMENT: Having read in advance about the end of the Original, "Planet of the Apes" lost none of its power on my first viewing (And really, you have an inkling it may be Earth by then anyway). I referred to that final image as "iconic", and that's still probably an understatement. When Burton realized it couldn't be topped, it should've set off some alarm bells and sent him back to his filmmaking bromance with Johnny Depp then....
In a parallel universe where game shows' final jackpots and consequent fortunes depend on knowledge of obscure music trivia and Jon Pertwee/Tom Baker Doctor Who episodes, I've probably gone rich, insane, and am now a powermad despot. But happily we're not there, so I'm actually rather pleasant. Really.
